It is the time of the year again. A period full of sadness and grief for me. Ar round this time will be the anniversary of my beloved grandparent passed away. Miss them so much. When I start taking my Prozac, everything was fine until this time of year, where depression strikes again, which make the Prozac is not effective anymore.
Now, since I'm in my highest dosage of Prozac and feel much better, I need to be careful with my feelings and emotions as I really don't want to go thought the painful journey all over again.
Last few weeks was the first time in years since I can feel what does happy feels like. I was really pleasant. Before this, the happiness that i feel is just what my brain are telling me. For example, in certain situation when i should feel happy, i just know it is a happy situation because that what the signal that my brain send to me. But honestly, i didn't feel it in my heart.
Until last few weeks, out of no way, the happy feeling appear for a day. At that moment, i can understand what other people feel when they are happy. Now i understand why people who is happy see the world so differently, full of hope and colourful. Nowi understand why people seeking and searching for happiness. Happiness is really addictive feeling.
Since that wonderful day, i haven't had that feeling again. I really miss it. Until today, i'm still seeking for the trigger that cause me to feel happy that day. I really want to feel happy. It was so beautiful feeling.
I always think that people with dreams are foolish. I never gets it. Why there is such desire to have something that is almost not posible to achieve? Some people want to become a celebrity, some want to be rich and etc.
When i saw Oprah asking people what are their wildest dream, i couldn't think of one. I never had one. Maybe due to my depression, which make me see world is hopeless and dreams are bogus.
Lately, since my mental illness is getting better, all my perspective to this world and life change totally. Now i understand why people have hobbies, why people people likes shoppping, why people have dreams and ambitions. All these thing may cause a really pleasant feeling, which is happy and joy. It is really great to feel this feeling. These are the feeling people still live their life although their life is too painful and sucks. Now i can understand a bit what does a normal people thinks about. (sounds like i'm an alien from outer space)
Yesterday was really great for me. For the first time in years, i feel joyful, happy and loving myself. Everything seems bright and hopeful to me. I was glad that I can feel what other normal people are feeling.
But then, today everything become dark and hopeless. Yesterday was full with positive thought, but today everything brcome negative.
I guess I'm not out of this emotional roller coaster in the depression theme park. I hope someday i will find the exit and went out proudly without looking back.
Shopaholic. A word that were never used to discribe me. Azizi is a cheap person. I never find shopping as interesting and pleassuring as people always said it was. But for the last month, i bought many expensive stuffs, which i never thought i will it in a million years.
First, i bought myself the latest edition of electronic dictionary which cost me RM1.5k. Next i bought a 500gb external harddisc for RM300. Then an 8gb ipod touch for RM800. And yesterday i bought a modem + wireless router for about RM200.
OMG!!! I had spend almost RM3k a month! Which is twice a month of my last salary. Now, there is an erge for me to buy a notebook! HELP ME!!
I had a psychiatry appointment last Monday. As I sat there, waiting for my turn, as I look around, people who is also waiting for their turn seems so normal and mentally healthy. But inside their brain, there is some problems.
As our technology and knowledge evolved, their are so many products in the market that can prevent us from getting cancer or diabetes or hypertension. But is there any product that can prevent us from mental illness?
All of these technology and expensive lifestyle, are we ready for it? Yes, it is good to have a advance technology, but are we prepare to face it, mentally? Depression is a common thing now days. Suicide rate also increasing. Is these some sign that saying that we are moving too fast and we didn't really prepare ourself to move forward? Last few decades, you can have 10 children although you're poor. But now, one child will cost a lot of money.
Although my mental illness is getting better and better, but there is some moments where it does appear again. I really hate when depression start to show some symptoms again. It's like, I have to adapt with it all over again. At some point, I was very optimistic and positive about life, while some other point, life seems so hopeless and dark. Really tired with this emotional roller coaster. I really just for the ride to stop. Enough is enough. I can't take it anymore. I'm too tired, mentally.
Last few days was really confusing for me. It feels like my best friend, depression, about to pay a visit. The symptoms appearing, gradually. Yesterday I had a terrible mood swing which I haven't had since last few months.
As everything started to go wrong, this morning I had to attend one of my close friend from my school's wedding. Don't know about at your place, at mine, people like to ask "when is your turn?". I HATE THAT QUESTION! So guys, my answer is for now I don't want to get married and hopefully it will stay that way forever. But if God have another plan for me, I accept it. So, that's it. That's my answer. Any further questions, just ask my lawyer, which is my A**.
Almost end of December, which mean end of 2009. A year pass by, without any accomplishment that have been done by me. More that one year on Prozac, still having depression. 25 years old, still a student and jobless. So, one year go by without anything from me. Just the number increasing and face become older (not wiser).
It have been a while I haven't write on my research progress. Everything going kinda smoothly and nicely, i guess. Actually this month suppose to be my 'time-out' that i requested from my supervisor. But then, a paper need to be written before the due date, which is on Christmas. So, I have to write it as my supervisor is busy with her work. Plus, I'm really not that good in English writing. Just read my blog. My English is TERRIBLE!!
We decided to send few papers to conferences next year. Hopefully it will get accepted by the conferences committee. As for my masters research, erm... All I can say it, my mental illness really get to me lately. I suppose to finish up my research by end of this month, but then, depression happen. But that's OK. I need to take things slow (i guess).
Yesterday was the day where my friends/ students received their result. This is their 2nd year. Unfortunately, few of them unable to continue their study. They was my students when they're doing their diploma. Now they're doing their bachelor degree, the same place where I'm doing my masters degree. I was wondering, is it my fault that they failed? Yup, maybe people will said that is their own choice, but then, I'm the one who should gave them a strong foundation.
I just realized that this unnecessary guilt and sadness is about to hit. It have been few days since I had this terrible headache, which I used to had everyday before Prozac. Is depression is coming? Feels like it.
P/S: If my students/friends are reading this post, DON'T GIVE UP!! just because you unsucceed at this part of your life, it doesn't means that you will fail at everything that you do in your life. People who have a good success in their early life, doesn't mean that they going to have a better life than people that doesn't. Remember God, pray to Him, He will help you.
After few months of depression free, lately it seems about to hit again. One of the main reason is the fatigue feeling all over the body. The tiredness that never end. Mentally, physically and emotionally. No matter how many hours I sleep everyday, the fatigue is still there and never go away. I'm tired of feeling tired.
I was thinking the other day, most people hate mathematics. Math is something that is hard to understand. They said no one use math everyday in their life. Actually we can relate math with life. For me, life have it own system of equations with finite numbers of variables.
Every variables depend on each other. One changes on the one tiny variables have a huge impact to the whole equation of life. We can try our best to solve the equations, with out own steps or method or algorithm, we will never get the perfect solution. They will be big or tiny error in the solution that we obtain, but only God knows the exact solution of our life. The right starting point or the initial value is important so we can avoid too many iteration. So does in life. Choosing the right choice may avoid us from doing many mistakes and redo everything that we have done wrong.
Yeah... Maybe I seems mumbling here, but maybe some of you understand what I saying. Nothing is perfect. The only perfection is God.
Someone once told me that you have to choose What you win or lose You can’t have everything
Don’t you take chances You might feel the pain Don’t you love in vain ’cause love won’t set you free
I can’t stand by the side And watch this life pass me by So unhappy But safe as could be
So what if it hurts me? So what it I break down? So what if this world just throws me off the edge, My feet run out of ground I gotta find my place I wanna hear my sound Don’t care about all the pain in front of me I just trying to be happy I just wanna be happy, yeah
Holding on tightly Just can’t let go Just trying to play my role Slowly disappear
But all these days They feel like they’re they’re same Just different faces Different place Get me out of here
I can’t stand by the side Ooh, no And watch this life pass me by Pass me by
So what if it hurts me? So what if I break down? So what if this world just throws me off the edge? My feet run out of ground I gotta find my place I wanna hear my sound Don’t care about all the pain in front of me I’m just trying to be happy
Oh, happy Oh
So when it turns that I can see??? This rope?? Victim?? Don’t say anything
So what if it hurts me? So what if I break down? So what if this world just throws me off the edge? My feet run out of ground I gotta find my place I wanna hear my sound Don’t care about all the pain in front of me I just wanna be happy Happy I just wanna be Oh I just wanna be Happy.
I'm a 25 years old postgraduate student, who is struggling with depression since I was 14 years old. Currently on Prozac, which have it up and down moment.
