Missing & Lost

I really miss my depression. Maybe it sound a bit weird for missing a mental illness, but I do. I been living with depression for about 10 years, so it become my personality, me... Azizi the depressed guy.

Yesterday was a year since I met my new "friend", Prozac. Our relationship have it own ups and downs. More like emotional roller coaster. But then, now, without I realise it, it have been more than one month since my old "friend", depression, haven't come and pay me a visit. I really miss "him".

I always said that depression is a gift and a curse for me. Few people asked me how can depression can be a gift. In my case, it is. Don't know how to explain, but it is. Now, without depression, I'm lost. I don't know who I am anymore. What should I do? So many questions lingering in my mind, yet no answer till now. I'm still searching for it, hopefully will find it soon.

Happiness = ?

Have you seen a movie by Will Smith called "Pursuit of Happiness"? Nice movie, sad but with a happy ending. I just wondering, what is happiness anyway? A lot of cash? Successful in career of choice? Married with kids? Being pretty and good looking? Does all these thing make you truly happy? What is it anyway?

Last few days, I have a class with my diploma students. I had a chit chat with them, asking them what are their plans for their life, what have they learned in that college that will be useful for them for their life. Most of them, I mean, all of them doesn't know what they want to do with their life. Same here. I have no idea. I'm bored with everything. The reason why I asked that kind of question in Math class, just that I want them to think. I'm still looking for the answer. It just a simple questions, but hard to answer.

I don't know about people outside Malaysia, but the culture here, parent like or love to teach their kid to be successful in life. "When you grow up, you will become a doctor, or a lawyer, or a businessman, or married to rich man or whatever". That was the line that the parent always tell their kids. From the kids still a baby until they grow up. Does those things make you happy? For a moment, yeah. But forever?

I just wondering, why parent doesn't tell their kids, "when you grow up, you will be a happy person, a useful person, with good heart, with a good life and knows the purpose of your life".

Presentation

On this 20th, I will go to KL to attend a conference. Besides that, I will present my first paper for my masters research and it will be the first time I'm presenting a paper at a conference. OMG. I'm really nervous and anxious. What happen if I make some mistake while presenting?

Update

I guess I haven't post anything in my blog for quite some times. So, this is my update:


Depression

• Still there (actually, gone for few weeks, then I come back knocking on my door)
• Should I ask my doctor about Xanax
• escape counseling session for 2 times
• Still feeling that I want to die, SOON

Master's Research

• Still "hanging"
• Stuck at fluid equation's implementation part
• going for a conference next week ALONE ;(
• presenting paper (scary)
• Try to finish my master early next week

Life

• Busy with my niece (help to babysit)
• got 3 part time jobs

Not so many things in my lists... for now...

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Thanks

In my blog, there is a code that can detect how many people and where they come from that read my blog. I was really surprise that there is quite a number who read my blog. Some from UK, US and many more. Some of them found my blog by searching in search engines.



I can't believe that my writing really help people to understand more on mental illness and anti-depression. I feel really glad that I can share my thought to other people that going the same thing that I'm going though.

To those people, you are most welcome to email me or comment on my blog. I'm not an expert or whatever, but we are going though so rough time and it is better to share it with other people. Thanks for visiting my blog. :)

Happy Eid

I know it already 5th day of Eid, but I want to wish all of Muslims out there, Happy Eid Mubarak! Actually, I'm not really into celebrating "Raya" (what we call Eid's celebration in Malaysia). I don't know why, but "Raya" really get into my nerve. During "Raya", people will pay a visit to their relatives or friend's houses. Meanwhile, when people visit my house, I like to stay in my room. I will stay there until I feel like I want to come out from my room. Yeah, maybe to people I'm rude and didn't respect them, but I really don't like "Raya". Sometimes I make me mad and pissed of just thinking about it. I don't know why, but I just do. It got nothing to do with Islam's festive, maybe it just me and my nonsense point of view.

Yesterday, I decided that maybe it's time for me to try alternative ways to overcome this mental illness of mine. My family suggested that maybe I can try more spiritual ways. I guess so. I would like to try. After almost 1 year on Prozac, I still have depression. Yes, I have to admit in some point, my mental health is getting better, but it still not normal. I'm just tired of all this thing that I'm dealing with. I hate that when people are happy celebrating Eid, I keep thinking about suicide. Maybe it's time to try other things. Maybe.

P/S: today is 5th of Syawal. So technically, in Islamic calender, today is my birthday. So, Happy birthday to me! yeay!! (I guess)

"Gifts" From Depression

Since I have depression, I notice that there are few "gifts" that come with the mental disorder. I need to mention that not all people experience the same thing that I have. The symptoms that I have are:

• Obesity
• Polydipsia (excessive thirst)
• Polyuria (excessive urination)
• Terrible headache (everyday)
  
• Low testosterone level
• Sleeping disorder
• Anxiety disorder
• Hypertension (high blood pressure)
• Really bad memory
• Cushing's syndrome like
• and many more

And the list goes on and on. Since I start taking anti-depressant, some of these symptoms disappear and some of it slowly getting better. Hope everything will be normal soon.

Psycho or Endocrine?

As usual, I had my Psychiatry appointment this morning. Today, I didn't see the doctor that I usually see. Today I'm saw a psychiatrist. This is the first time I consult with this doctor. This lady doctor is very kind and soft spoken. We talked for quite some time. Her first impression of me is I look like a person with endocrine or hormone problem. Cushing's syndrome, to be exact. So I told her that I used to consult with an endocrinologist and she already ruled out Cushing's syndrome, as my cortisol level is normal. She said my case is weird and unusual, and I said it IS.

Isn't it funny? After few years, after seeing so many doctors and specialists, they still puzzle about my illness. So, is it psychological or endocrine problem? I already accept the fact that I'm mentally ill, so please don't tell me it is not my mental, but my endocrine have a problem. I thought I'd done the first part, which is find the right diagnosis. I do feel better when I started taking Prozac. Not 100% though, but better than without medication. I guess deep down, maybe I don't want to get better. Maybe. I'm still puzzling about everything and everything is really messed up.

Me, Myself and I

Lately, so many good things happen to me, but then, I still don't feel good. My emotion and mood is so messed up and by taking Prozac doesn't help much.

Last week, my sister give birth to my parent's first grandchild. I have been waiting for this moment for a long time. I love children especially babies. I'm glad to see my niece for the first time. I should feel excited and happy, but I don't feel anything. I'm on 60mg Prozac and I can't feel any emotion. How messed up is that?

The only thing that I feel is that I feel bad about myself. I keep doing many things to help other people, but not for me. People keep telling me that it's OK to spoilt our self, but why do I feel bad if I did something for myself? I really feel bad about myself. I never did anything to make me happy, truly happy. I want to, but I don't know what. People told me that I'm lucking because I'm doing my Masters degree, but then, I'm doing it just to filled up my time. I'm waiting for death to happen to me. I don't have any plan for myself. I hate myself.

Keep the Prozac Coming!

Last Thursday, I had my Psychiatry appointment and a counseling session. At first, my appointment was schedule at 14/8/09. But since my head is so mess up, I asked to bring forward the appointment. This appointment was very tense for me. Everything in my head is getting more mess up. This is the first time since I'm taking Prozac that my depression's symptoms appear again.

After meeting with my doctor, she increased my Prozac dosage from 40mg to 60mg. And if it still doesn't work, they will change the medication. So, what's next? Zoloft? But I still prefer Prozac. During the appointment, I'd asked the doctor about psychogenic polydipsia and the possibility of me having it. She said maybe I have psychogenic polydipsia and on my next appointment, I need to ask my psychiatrist about it.

In my previous post, I did mention that I was seeing endocrinologist for my polyuria and polydipsia problem, which occur since year 1999, which is the same year I had depression. One of the doctor that I consult about this problem said that there are 2 possibilities that causing this problem; hormone or mental disorder. At that time, I refused to see a mental doctor or a psychiatrist. Let face it, no one want to admit that there are some problem with their mental. So I went to endocrinologist, instead of psychiatrist. We done several test including water deprivation test (but only half way). The preliminary result indicate that there are no problem with my hormones. When the doctor want to perform another water deprivation test, I stop seeing them.

Looking back, I start to see that maybe my depression causing me to have a compulsive drinking problem. Maybe. Since I start taking Prozac, my compulsion drinking problem was getting better and better each day. So I think, maybe it's psychogenic, rather that neurogenic or nephrogenic.

Last night I remembered one episode from the TV series "House". In that episode, House is consulting a patient who said that she have an Obsessive Compulsive disorder. Her symptom is excessive drinking and thirst. In the end, house said it is not an OCD but neurogenic diabetes insipidus. There are maybe a small tumor at her pituitary gland. So, thinking back about it, my situation is totally the reverse version of that girl's situation. How funny is that? She thought she's mentally ill, but instead she have a tumor. I thought I have a tumor, instead I'm mentally ill.

PoV: Prozac vs Xanax

It's been a while I haven't post any on PoV (point of view). As a reminder, this is totally my opinion. I'm not a professional, I'm just a patient and also a Prozac taker.

Does anyone have heard about Xanax? If you're into Hollywood entertainment news, I'm sure you heard about it. There are few numbers of Hollywood celebrity are or were taking this medication. For example, Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson were suspected taking this medication before their tragic death. So, what is Xanax actually? Is it dangerous?

I'm not really sure about Xanax, but I know Xanax is a medication for relaxing and treat stress or anxiety attack. It only for a short term treatment. In other word, Xanax is a tranquilizer for anxiety or depression. A person who just take this medication will not feel stress or anxious or panic. From what I can see, Xanax is acting like a "pain killer" for the mood disorder disease. With Xanax, you will not feel any stress or anxious about anything.

That's make it different from Prozac. Prozac is a long term treatment. Some people thought that after taking Prozac, you will not feel depressed. This is FALSE. Actually Prozac will take about 2-5 weeks to enter your body system. You won't feel the effect straight away after you take the medication. Plus, some people always assume that you will feel happy after taking Prozac. If you take Xanax, that should be the case, but it is not if you're taking Prozac. Prozac just helping you brain to release more serotonin (a chemical in our brain that regulate feeling, metabolism, sleep, appetite and etc). So, in other words, it help you to feel not unhappy.

So, which one is better and effective? I say depend on that person. If he or she haven't reach to a stage that can be consider as mental illness, I say Xanax should be OK. But need to be careful or you can end up with Xanax addiction. If you already reach the stage that is called as mental illness, maybe Prozac (or other antidepressant) is the answer for you. I know it going to take a while before it shows any effect if we compare it to Xanax, but if we see the long term health and the better end result, Prozac is better. We need to be patient in battling this illness. Other people without this illness doesn't know what we going through every seconds. Don't just rely on the medication only, try to work on your outside problem. I'm still struggling on that part. Hope everything will be OK next time.

My Little Cute and Chubby "Prozac"

Since I was a kid, I like to play with babies or toddlers. Playing with them really make me feel happy. Although the happiness is temporary, but better then never right? I really don't know why I like to play or see them playing make me feel happy. Maybe I miss those time, when everything is not that difficult, no problems and still innocent.

Lately, my mother and I will pick up my cousin's one and a half years old son on Sunday. Almost every week we pick him up and bring him to picnic or to the mall or just for lunch. Luckily the parent don't mind that we pick him up every Sunday.

Playing with him make me feel happy and make me feel worth living. At first, I didn't notice that he means a lot to me, until 2 weeks ago. My mother have rashes all over her body, and she decided not to pick the kid up that Sunday. I was really depressed that weekend. I not in the mood to do anything, and I feel like crying all the time. At that point, I started to realize that I'm getting to attach to him. For about 4 years, I really try to avoid getting close or attach to other people. I learned that it is hard for me to let go when it's time to let go. I learned it from a hard way.On the other hand, I really love spending my time with him. Before this, I never look forward on something, but now, I can't wait for Sunday to come.

Plus my sister will give birth to my first niece/nephew end of this month. So I really look forward to spending time with my first niece/nephew. I know this "Prozac" is temporary, but it make me feel better than last time. It seems like how hard I try to pull away from depression, the depression pull me harder. Put all this depression thingy aside, I really love this kid. It really bring me joy and happiness, and this time, I don't have to pretend it.

As Usual, Another Psychiatrist Appointment

So, yesterday I had another appointment at the Psychiatry Clinic. As usual, I will meet with the doctor and a counselor (for counseling session). But yesterday, the counselor was on leave (surprisingly, I was really really disappointed). So, I had only doctor's consultation.

Everything was normal in the waiting area, until this one young lady came in. At first, this young lady look normal. Then, went she took a seat, she suddenly screaming loudly and angrily in the clinic. The father try to come her down, but she kept on scream for no reason. I didn't realize the language that she used at first, after a while, then I realize that she was screaming in Iban language. I was really scared. It seems like she wanted to attack other people. But luckily her father was there. Then the psychiatrist saw her first (since everyone was scared). This is the first time I was something like this at the clinic.

Then, it is my turn to see the doctor. This time, I saw a different doctor, since the doctor that I normally saw was on leave (also). So, this is a woman doctor. She was nice and polite. One thing that she said that keep playing in my head is that at first side, she see me as a "happy-go-lucky" type of person. It is hard to believe that I have depression. It is true. Many people don't know and hard to believe that I have this kind of mental illness because I act so happy and normally. In fact, I been suffering from this illness since year 1999. Am I a fake? Am I a pretender? Maybe. I don't even have the answer for that.

Up To The Mountain - Kelly Clarkson / Patty Griffin

I went up to the mountain
Because you asked me to
Up over the clouds
To where the sky was blue
I could see all around me
Everywhere
I could see all around me
Everywhere

Sometimes I feel like
I've never been nothing but tired
And I'll be walking
Till the day I expire
Sometimes I lay down
No more can I do
But then I go on again
Because you ask me to

Some days I look down
Afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines
I see nothing at all
Then I hear your sweet voice, oh
Oh, come and then go, come and then go
Telling me softly
You love me so

The peaceful valley
Just over the mountain
The peaceful valley
Few come to know
I may never get there
Ever in this lifetime
But sooner or later
It's there I will go
Sooner or later
It's there I will go

No Update (yet many things happen)

Wow... lately was a "roller coaster" ride, emotionally. I don't know why. Is it because the increased dose of Prozac? I don't think so. It happen before it was increased.

So many things I learned this pass few weeks. I learned that I need to let go in order for me to move on. I learned that I don't want to let it go. I learned that I was distracting myself from my problems by keeping myself busy with other people problems so that I wouldn't feel depressed. And I learned that it is not working. These was a few of it.

All this thought make me think, sooner or later, everyone will face their death, whether they like it or not. So, why not now? Is it make any different if we die now or 20 years from now? I know it is not my place to say about this, but I was just thinking. I'm still looking for a reason to live. I m still looking for the purpose of life. I'm still searching for the motivation to live. I know Allah will answer my questions, but I don't know when. I think I know the answers of my questions, but I'm still not sure about it.