My Own Version of Prozac Nation

Depression and Suicide

2012-02-15T00:01:00.007+08:00

I can't even remember my last entry. The reason why I write this because something tragic happen in my hometown. A lecturer committed suicide last week. At first, people believed that it was a murder, but it turn out to be a suicide. Her body was discovered by her 11 years old son. Apparently she stab her own neck with a kitchen knife (I know now you imagining Michael Myers' knife). She was in her early 40's. You can read the news article here.

From what I heard, she been depressed for more than 2 weeks. She went to see a doctor and the doctor advised her to go to a psychiatry clinic. I'm guessing she didn't go. Maybe some people will blame her for doing this forbidden sin. Maybe some people will blame her family and friends. But no one should be blame in this tragedy.

In Malaysia, there are still lacking of awareness on mental illness. If you go to a psychiatry or mental clinic, you must be crazy and not normal. What is crazy anyway? What is normal anyway? Statistically speaking, on 50% of us are "normal".

Having mental illness does not make you crazy. It is the same with any other illness. And it can be cure. Do you blame a person for having cancer? Or diabetes? Or disabled? The answer is NO! So does mental illness.

Every now and then, all of us feel depressed and sad. But if the depression symptoms lasted more than 2 weeks, please, I beg you, please go and see a professional. Anyone will do. Psychiatrist or a psychologist or a counselor. If your friend or family member have the symptom, encourage them to get help.

I been depressed since 1999. Only in 2008 I started to see a psychiatrist. I've been taking medications and it help me a lot. I'm feeling much better. Not 100% but better. Till now, I still have ups and downs, but still it is better than before the meds. If you feel embarrass to talk to people about it, you can do it online. There are plenty support groups for depression or any type of mental illness. Talking about it does help, big time!

When you have a depression, you will think about suicide and death most of the time. You just can't help it. You know deep down in your heart that suicide is forbidden, but the urge to do it is there. Before you do it, sleep on it first. If you just to depressed to talk to others, God is there to listen to your troubles. Think about your family, your parent, your children etc. What if someone you close with committed suicide? What does it make you feel? Can you bare to know that your love ones have that feeling? In the end, suicide is never the answer. God is there for you. He know what are you suffering. It is just a test from Him.

All I wanted to say here is, the society have a big role in order to prevent suicide. Keep in mind, all your words or actions have a great affect on others. It have a greater affect on mentally ill person. Help these people the way you wanted to be help if you are ill. You can make a different and you can save a life. You don't need a superpower to be a hero.

P/s: here is an article on suicide.

Sami Yusuf

2011-08-15T17:42:00.000+08:00

Rest in Peace

2011-05-10T23:20:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I lost, the world lost one great person. An old friend of mine. We were classmate and known each other since we were 7 years old. His name is Dr Mohd Azri b Dollah.

He was a doctor with a noble heart.. He tried to save his friend from drowning, both did not survive. In his last moment, he still trying save others life. He will be deeply missed.

To Dr Mohd Azri b Dollah, have a rest. You're in God hand now. We will miss you and send prayers for you.

One of many many news on his brave act.

He was the one on the left....

Rest in Peace, In loving memory of Dr Mohd Azri b Dollah (1984-2011)

Tulips (Sylvia Plath)

2011-04-05T15:29:00.000+08:00

The tulips are too excitable, it is winter here.
Look how white everything is, how quiet, how snowed-in.
I am learning peacefulness, lying by myself quietly
As the light lies on these white walls, this bed, these hands.
I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions.
I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses
And my history to the anesthetist and my body to surgeons.

They have propped my head between the pillow and the sheet-cuff
Like an eye between two white lids that will not shut.
Stupid pupil, it has to take everything in.
The nurses pass and pass, they are no trouble,
They pass the way gulls pass inland in their white caps,
Doing things with their hands, one just the same as another,
So it is impossible to tell how many there are.

My body is a pebble to them, they tend it as water
Tends to the pebbles it must run over, smoothing them gently.
They bring me numbness in their bright needles, they bring me sleep
Now I have lost myself I am sick of baggage
My patent leather overnight case like a black pillbox,
My husband and child smiling out of the family photo;
Their smiles catch onto my skin, little smiling hooks.

I have let things slip, a thirty-year~old cargo boat
Stubbornly hanging on to my name and address.
They have swabbed me clear of my loving associations.
Scared and bare on the green plastic-pillowed trolley
I watched my teaset, my bureaus of linen, my books
Sink out of sight, and the water went over my head.
I am a nun now, I have never been so pure.

I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted
To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.
How free it is, you have no idea how free -
The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,
And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.
It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them
Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.

The tulips are too red in the first place, they hurt me.
Even through the gift paper I could hear them breathe
Lightly, through their white swaddlings, like an awful baby.
Their redness talks to my wound, it corresponds.
They are subtle: they seem to float, though they weigh me down
Upsetting me with their sudden tongues and their color,
A dozen red lead sinkers round my neck.

Nobody watched me before, now I am watched.
The tulips turn to me, and the window behind me
Where once a day the light slowly widens and slowly thins,
And I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow
Between the eye of the sun and the eyes of the tulips,
And I have no face, I have wanted to efface myself
The vivid tulips eat my oxygen.

Before they came the air was calm enough,
Coming and going, breath by breath, without any fuss.
Then the tulips filled it up like a loud noise.
Now the air snags and eddies round them the way a river
Snags and eddies round a sunken rust-red engine.
They concentrate my attention, that was happy
Playing and resting without committing itself.

The walls, also, seem to be warming themselves.
The tulips should be behind bars like dangerous animals;
They are opening like the mouth of some great African cat,
And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes
Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.
The water I taste is warm and salt, like the sea,
And comes from a country far away as health.

Obesity or Bipolar?

2011-02-23T22:35:00.003+08:00

I'm stress out. Just for this month, I gain 4kg. I didn't eat much, just the side effects of my anti psychotic med, Quetiapine. That is the only meds manage to keep my bipolar n OCD under control. I been under risperidone before, and it didnt work. But then I'm getting heavier than ever with quetiapine. Never been this fat before. To date, I'd gain more that 15kg. So I'm torn. Obesity or bipolar? Lately I'm experiencing shortness of breathe. I'm guessing it's from my obesity. So, which one should I pick? how? Feels like crying over this.

Latest Update..

2011-02-07T14:06:00.002+08:00

Hello! Hi! Bonjour! Koniciwa! Ola!

Long time no see, huh? well, nothing to be update actually. Same old boring and mess up life. I'm still on meds. "yea!". Still on Prozac, Lamotrigine and Quetiapine. Nice huh? And yet, I'm still struggling with my bipolar. Plus the side effects of the meds. Last few weeks, I did asked my doc to take me off my meds, but it was denied. Erm. A bit pissed off about it. I just had enough with all of these meds. I just hate the routines and side effects.

On a different page, nothing new, as always. Still trying to finishing up my thesis (which takes forever), and everything is still the same. So, that's the update that I have about me. Short and boring, right? Told you so. Sorry for wasting a minute from your precious life. On that note, bubye! see ya!

P/S: Enjoy this lovely song by Ms Mary J Blige. She's coming to KL for a concert. I wish I could be there....

Tatyana Ali - If I Ever Love Again (Lyrics)

2011-02-03T23:12:00.000+08:00

James Morrison - Wonderful World

2010-12-30T19:47:00.000+08:00

One word: Depression

Crazy Month

2010-12-01T17:46:00.001+08:00

This month is been a wide ride for me. I had a relapse. Both depression and hypomanic. It was crazy. Just in one month, I had terrible depression which causing my high blood pressure and headache. In my hypomanic mood, I bought a custom made lightsaber and an iPad. How wild is that? It causing problem to me in health and financial. Again, damn you bipolar.

Weird-ness

2010-10-20T12:58:00.002+08:00

For the past 4 years, at least 5 people said that I'm weird. They didn't say it to my face, but behind my back. They told one of my closest friend "how can u stand being friend with him? He is so weird.". Few of these people are someone who is close to me. Am I pissed off that they're saying things behind my back? Of course I am. But they have a point there. Maybe I am weird. Erm. What so weird about me? My handsome-ness? My hot-ness? Haha. Kidding.

When I think about it, I have so many treats that some people consider it as weird.

I'm moody. In a second I can change from a very happy, excited, energetic, cheerful person to a silent, angry, irritate, depressed, A-hole person without any reason. I should take that as a sign of my bipolar disorder. This is one of my treat that causing I have few friends. When I'm not in a good mood, I can go one without talking for days. When I'm in a good mood, you can see me joking around, laughing, running here and there, jumping etc. What a freak huh? If I'm not in the mood, don't bother to talk to me. You're wasting your time.

Another thing that is weird about me is nobody are allowed to touch my stuff without my permission. Either bed or books or handphone or etc. If you watch the TV series called The Big Bang Theory or Monk, it is something like that. But not that extreme. But still can be consider as weird and annoying.

That's all that I can think of. When I'm thinking about it, it is not that weird. Maybe the others are weird. Bazinga! It is weird.

A Song to those who with low self esteem

2010-09-28T16:28:00.000+08:00

My Not-So Hypothesis

2010-09-20T19:57:00.003+08:00

I'm a big fan of psychological test, especially personality test. From many test I'd done, I'm a melancholic or anything similar to that. I was thinking, in study interest also reflect people personality. So this is my hypothesis:

Chemist : Love experiments. Love to do stuff and dare to take risks.

Biologist : Love nature. I would say biologist love every living thing around them.

Physicist : Love knowledge. Curious about the universe and anything in it. "I know it all" kind of person.

Mathematician: Love to be alone. A loner.

Accountant : Love numbers. Need I say more.

I had few more but I can recalled what is it. Actually I have explanation on the above but I'm to lazy to write. So Adios.

p/s: ignore this post. SERIOUSLY!

Maher Zain - Insha Allah | ماهر زين - ان شاء الله

2010-09-02T20:45:00.000+08:00

"Thanks"

2010-08-30T12:59:00.002+08:00

Since I was a teenager, I always put others need ahead of mine. When others at my age act and enjoy their youth, I'm doing what people at my age wouldn't do for fun. Until now, I still doing the same thing. But then, i'd never get the respect of others. How many teenagers especially a guy would spend his time taking care his sick grandma? How many guys would spend money and time just to fullfill other need? How many guys that just life pass they by and never really enjoy it? I never hope the others pay it back, but all I need is an acknowledgement and respect. People may think that I'm selfish but actually I'm selfless. When my time comes, no one willing to help me. No one is there for me. It just make make me so sad.

Psychosis

2010-08-21T10:16:00.002+08:00

I had my appointment as usual last monday, and this time I open up about my polydipsia and rituals that I do everyday. It turns out that I maybe have obsessive compulsive disorder. Or OCD.

Then my doc prescribed me an anti-psychotic medication. That's right. Anti-psychotic. Isn't it funny? I keep making joke that I'm a psychosis. Haha. But actually, the medication is a secondary anti-psychotic medication. Combination that medication and Prozac can help with OCD. Am I psychosis? Scary huh? Actually scary funny.. Lol

Bitter Sweet

2010-07-27T09:28:00.004+08:00

Ramadhan in just around the corner. In about 2 weeks, Ramadhan will arrive and all muslim will perform one of their duty, fasting. Since I was 14, I can't fast. I have this obsessive drinking and urination. Almost at the same time that I have mental illness. So, at first I thought my hormones are playing tricks with me. After few visits and admission at endocrine clinic, my hormones level are normal. So, now I'm positive that I have psychogenic polydipsia.

Dear Depression

2010-07-12T20:54:00.002+08:00

Dear Depression,

We known each other since I was 14 years old. Now, I just turn 26 which make us almost 12 years in this roller coaster relationship. Since then, you the only one who truly understand me. But then, you have control everything about me since we met. You have become my best friend and my number one company. You where there when people make fun of me, laugh at me, ignore me and most importantly when my love of my life passed away.

But then, our relationship never been healthy. You always bring me down and making sure that I never have self-esteem. Other then that, you keep whispering suicide and death thought to my head and make me feel worthless and no one deserve me. Some other time, you bring along some other friends of your, such as anxiety, phobias and obsession-compulsion. Because of you, I quit my job, my first job, to make room for me to get the treatment that I need.

From then, a person introduced me to this two new friends of mine, an antidepressant called Prozac and a mood stabilizer called Lamotrigine. At first, I'm hesitated to be friend to this two strangers. I don't know anything about them, plus they trying to keep me away from you. Sometimes, when I'm with them, I feel good and happy. Never felt happy for quite some time. But at the same time, I miss you. You been in my life since I was 14. We have been through a lot together. But people keep telling me that you're no good for me and I should get rid of you. It is hard to get rid a friend no matter it is for the best.

Since then, you have seldom visited me. To be frank, I'm quite lonely and I like it. I have a mix feeling with you not around. Then come along a new friend called hypomania. He is totally different from you. Like fire and water. Like the earth and the sky. He is hyperactive, talkative, energetic, full of strange ideas and fun. But the thing is, I'm not used to all of that. To make thing worst, when you left, he will come. And when he come, you will left. It making me so confuse. I don't which one of you I like better. Both of you have it own pros and cons.

Till I figure it out, I think that's it for now. I need time to think but both of you keep bugging me. Can both of you leave me alone for some time and let me think? That's all I ask.

Thanks

Confused Mentally-ill Person

My Purpose

2010-07-10T22:20:00.002+08:00

After few months of depression episode, my mind become more clear this week. Maybe it's because I'm starting to do something that I love. Teaching. This week was the first week since the tuition center opened, and also the first time I'm tutoring Pre-U's math class. It was exciting. Plus I been appointed as a part time tutor at my faculty for calculus.

Although I'm teaching for free (due to the agreement of my scholarship), I can't complain. Maybe for some people, they'll try their best to avoid working for free, but for me, I love teaching and tutoring. After a week of few classes, I started to realize, maybe this is what I have been looking for. I'd keep asking myself what is my purpose in life, I guess this is it. Educating is my purpose. Maybe I'm not as powerful as Obama or Oprah, but maybe by teaching, I can help other people and make their life much better. Maybe.

The Bigger Bang

2010-07-08T20:08:00.001+08:00

Lets enjoy some TBBT shall we.

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait...
The Earth began to cool,
The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools,
We built a wall (we built the pyramids),
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,
That all started with the big bang!

"Since the dawn of man" is really not that long,
As every galaxy was formed in less time than it takes to sing this song.
A fraction of a second and the elements were made.
The bipeds stood up straight,
The dinosaurs all met their fate,
They tried to leap but they were late
And they all died (they froze their asses off)
The oceans and pangea
See ya wouldn't wanna be ya
Set in motion by the same big bang!

It all started with the big BANG!

It's expanding ever outward but one day
It will cause the stars to go the other way,
Collapsing ever inward, we won't be here, it wont be hurt
Our best and brightest figure that it'll make an even bigger bang!

Australopithecus would really have been sick of us
Debating out while here they're catching deer (we're catching viruses)
Religion or astronomy, Encarta, Deuteronomy
It all started with the big bang!

Music and mythology, Einstein and astrology
It all started with the big bang!
It all started with the big BANG!

Math + Life

2010-06-13T19:20:00.003+08:00

I always find math as a most fascinating thing that God have created. Without math, science is meaningless. Math describe everything in this world.

Today I stumbled into a nice and brilliant quote, which is:

"Mathematics is the language in which God wrote the universe" by Galileo.

This quote does fit a lot in my idea of the equations of universe and life. I did wrote a little bit about it in my previous post. I'm not sure whether non-mathematician can understand my previous post, but I'm trying to learn how to explain my idea so that non-mathematician can understand it. I think this idea is out there somewhere. I don't I'm the first one to think about this. I'm not really a brilliant person.

Quotes

2010-06-10T21:00:00.003+08:00

Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don't wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it's at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored.

Earl Nightingale

Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.

Eddie Cantor

Happiness comes from spiritual wealth, not material wealth... Happiness comes from giving, not getting. If we try hard to bring happiness to others, we cannot stop it from coming to us also. To get joy, we must give it, and to keep joy, we must scatter it.

John Templeton

If you have nothing else to do, look about you and see if there isn't something close at hand that you can improve! It may make you wealthy, though it is more likely that it will make you happy.

George Matthew Adams

If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.

Chinese Proverb

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
Helen Keller

It doesn't matter how long we may have been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn't matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years - we turn on the light and it is illuminated. Once we control our capacity for love and happiness, the light has been turned on.
Sharon Salzberg

Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.
Bernard Meltzer.

Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves.
Helen Keller

When you're really happy, the birds chirp and the sun shines even on cold dark winter nights - and flowers will bloom on a barren land.
Grey Livingston

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
Robertson Davies

Finding happiness is like finding yourself. You don't find happiness, you make happiness. You choose happiness. Self-actualization is a process of discovering who you are, who you want to be and paving the way to happiness by doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life over the long run.
David Leonhardt

taken from a site

Lousiness

2010-06-09T12:22:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling extremely lousy lately. I don't know why, maybe it is the time of the year? Maybe. I'm just miss her so much. Miss her terribly. This pain inside my heart is just too painful. I hate this.

On the other note, I really want to get my hand on a lightsaber. It just super cool. But then, lately my financial is not in good condition. No part time job. Plus I spend a lot to open my own Tuition center. Seriously, a lot. But, what the h*ll, maybe I'll get more than I'd invested. Hopefully.

Missing Her

2010-05-31T14:48:00.003+08:00

Yesterday night was really hard for me. A week from yesterday will be the 5th year since she went away. I can feel the pain inside and the severeness of the pain still the same with 5 years ago. I miss her terribly and all I can do is pray for her. Almost 5 years ago, part of me went away and I'm here by myself.

I'm in control (I guess)

2010-05-30T12:45:00.003+08:00

Everytimes I update my post, I always begin with a sentence that said it have been a while since my last post. Not in the mood for writing, actually. Same goes with my Masters thesis.

No hypomania episode since my last psychiatry's appointment. But on the other side, been depressed since. Knowing that this probably bipolar disorder type 2 does answers few questions that I been having lately. But in the past few days, I have this urge to get my hand on an iPad. Crazy right? Since I know this is because of my mental illness, I'm trying my best to control my expenses. It is extremely hard and depressing.

Blah-blah-blah

2010-05-16T11:13:00.002+08:00

It have been a while since I made my update in my blog. Well, I been on depressed mode for almost 2 weeks now, so not in the mood to do some writing, including my thesis and conference papers writing. Few days after my appointment with my doctor, I went to KL for a holiday with my sister and brother-in-law. Actually it was shopping spree for them, but I was depressed the whole time I was there. So, enough said.

That's the thing with depression, you can't enjoy a single thing that other people enjoyed. Normal? You decide.

Hypomania

2010-05-03T23:17:00.002+08:00

I know I don't have any major manic episode, but some manic-like episode does occur to me sometimes. Today I had my psychiatrist's appointment as usual. Prior to this appointment, I decided to ask my doctor to change my antidepressant as I feel like it didn't really work on me. Not 100% of course.

So we chat a little bit. I told her about some mood swing I been having lately. And the frequency of the occurrence is increasing. I have this mood swing since I start taking Prozac. It does change drastically. From deeply depressed to overly excited and energetic. After one to another, I told my doctor I tend to buy stuff although I didn't really one to.

In my family and cycle of friends, I'm known for my cheapness and "which one is cheaper or free?" but in the last few months, I spend more than RM6k on things that I'm not really into such as PS3. Frankly, I don't even like playing video game. But I spend almost RM2k on PS3, games and accessories. But I only play games on my PS3 for several minutes per week.

My family does notice this change of behavior of mine. At first they was happy to see me spend my money and treat myself. Then they was really worried about me and ask me to stop spending. As I told my doctor about this, she asked me why didn't I mention about this before. I don't know it is a big deal. But she said it is one of the symptoms of hypomania. Not on shopping, but changes on behavior drastically such as overly spending. So she said maybe I have bipolar II disorder. From dysthymia to depression to bipolar. How nice is that

Pain

2010-04-14T12:28:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was very painful and difficult for me. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my late grandma since she left this world. As I expected, the symptoms starting to appear again. The depression symptoms, I mean. I'd try my best to control it, but it kinda burst in the evening. Although with this emotion numbness, I still can feel something painful n heartbreaking in my heart. What a day. Hopefully my depression will be under control today.

Grief & Loneliness

2010-04-10T23:53:00.003+08:00

My grandma's death aniversary is around the corner. The main cause of my prolong mental illness. Now, as I can't really feel any emotion, I know I should feel extremely depressed and sad. I do feel something inside my heart which feels like pain and grief. But it doesn't feel right. It is hard for me to explain it.

I know it is a good thing that I can't feel the painful, but that's the only thing that connecting her and me. I feel guilty for not feeling that emotion. I love her so much. Knowing that she is not with me anymore making my life so empty and nothing can feel that void.

Math Geek

2010-04-02T00:36:00.002+08:00

Since I was a kid, i always fancy math. I don't know why, but math is the easiest subject to understand. I never have to study for exam, I will A's the subject. Until this day, my life is full of math.

As I started to treat my depression, which have been going on for more then 10 years, I started wondering about life. Actually, I wonder a lot. Some people told me that don't ask to many questions or there will be some bad and unwanted things will shaken my faith. But I can't help it.

This is what I got. God created this world. This universe. In order to make the world works, God created laws for it to work, which what we called as science. As some mathematicians said, math is the universal language of science. With the laws or science, there will be definition of the laws. And that is where math comes.

I see the whole universe working under a system of equations. Every object that exist in this universe and actions taken by the object have there own equations and every equations is related to each other. Can you imagine how many parameters involve in the whole system of equations? It will a huge equations.

Now, this is the tricky part. Free will or decision. Althought the whole universe working under a system of equations, there is still one thing that under human control, decision or in this case I called it the initial values. In math, initial values is critical and important to determine in order to obtain the results. So, same goes with decision. Our decision will determine what happen to us in the future. If we pick the right decision, then maybe we will end up with a better result. God have created the whole universe with all of this equations. It is up to us to decide what is the end result of our life. And every small decision that we make also influence and affect others life.

Wow, that was quite a lot. Actually I have many hypothesis and idea on life, but I guess you already have a terrible headache. So let me know what you thinks about my hypothesis and do you agree?

"Sad"

2010-03-22T23:32:00.003+08:00

Today I been told that my blog sound so sad. I guess so. I am sad, I guess. People who know me in person maybe wouldn't guess this is my blog. Because, although I'm depressed, I'll try my best to smile.

Smile tho' your heart is aching,

Smile Even though it's breaking,

When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,

If you Smile through your fear and sorrow,

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,

Altho' a tear may be ever so near,

That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying,

Smile- What's the use of crying,

You'll find that life is still worthwhile,

If you just smile.

Ohhh Oooh Yeah

That's the time (thats the time)

you must keep on trying, Smile-

What's the use of crying,

You'll find that life is still worthwhile,

If you just smile.

Smile tho' your heart is aching,

Smile Even though it's breaking,

When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,

That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying,

Smile- What's the use of crying,

You'll find that life is still worthwhile,

If you just You'll find that life is still worthwhile,

If you just smile.

Geek and Gleeks

2010-03-21T11:44:00.002+08:00

It's have been a while since I didn't post anything inside here. Don't get me wrong. I'm free as a bird. I mean, physically. Mentally, still on Prozac, which I'm not sure whether it is the best thing that happen to me. Seriously, I really don't know who I am with Prozac. I'm totally change. When I was not on Prozac, I knew who I were. This grumpy, moody, angry and depressed person. But now, it's all over the place.

As you may know, I'm still jobless. Yes, I am a postgraduate student, but then, I haven't done any studying for the past few month. My research is almost complete, which is earlier that I expected, but I just want to take a time off. Now, I really don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Last time, math was everything to me. It was fun, exciting and enjoying thing to do. But know, it kinda boring to me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that math is not important and so on. I just don't feel the thrill of doing the math problem anymore.

As for other things, I found my new obsession. Glee and The Big Bang Theory. Sometimes I wish I can be friend with Sheldon Cooper and the gangs, and sometimes I wish I'm friend with the glee kid. Lol. I know. It sound so ridiculous. These are the things that kept my mind off my depressed, unhappy and suicide thoughts.

Emotional Numbness

2010-03-10T22:49:00.000+08:00

I can't feel any emotion for the pass few months. From sad to happy. Everything seems the same to me. Plain as it could be. Although I went to a great vacation, still nothing.

Depression & Suicide

2010-03-01T23:19:00.000+08:00

Andrew Koenig. A name that I never heard before. Last few days, I heard that a person with this name commit suicide. Thanks to depression. Although he was an actor, I really don't know who he were, that is until I heard about his missing. I feel for him. I know how painful depression is. You have to live with the pain every seconds.

Depression always linked to suicide. That is how it is. People with depression that still breathing to this day are a survivor. I think about death all the time. Since my religion forbid us to commit suicide, so I just waiting for the time when my Maker will take my life away. I know this sound so weird, selfish and stupid, I always wanted to have a cancer. Any cancer will do, but I prefer brain cancer. I just don't want to feel this depression anymore. I want something that more painful than depression and also give me reason to be depressed of. I want to die. I do. But I have to wait until the time comes. In the mean time, I have to get prepared for it.

Holiday

2010-02-27T23:03:00.001+08:00

I'm really looking forward next wednesday as I'll go for a holiday with two of my close friends. We will go to KL for 5 days & 4 nights.

When we arrive there, we'll spend a night at Genting Highlands. The most exciting part is going to Babyface concert on Friday. I'm really excited about it. Never thought a boring and weird person as I am will go to such thing. I'm so excited. Ooppss.. I just peed in my pant.

Tweeting on Tweeters

2010-02-25T22:44:00.000+08:00

I guess I'd found a new interest (although it is nota healthy one). Other than facebooking, I start to love twitter. Haha. I just I am nosey.

I just few glad that I read what people are doing with their life. The fun part is I can follows some famous people. How cool is that? Oh wait. I just realize that I need go and get a life.

Tik Tok!!

2010-02-24T14:04:00.002+08:00

I just realise that I had depression for 11 years, to date. Wow! Have it been that long? This year I will enter the 26 years old club. What? This can't be true. I haven't figure out what I'm going to do with my life. Plus the clock won't stop ticking.

Missing You

2010-02-14T19:57:00.003+08:00

Though I´m missing you

(Although I´m missing you)

I´ll find a way to get through

(I'll find a way to get through)

Living without you

'Cause you were my sister, my

strength, and my pride

Only God may know why,

still I will get by

Who would have known that you have to go

So suddenly, so fast

And how could it be, that

the sweet memories

Would be all,all that we'd have left

Now that you´re gone,

everyday I go on (I go on)

But life's just not the same.

(life's just not the same)

I´m so empty inside, and my

tears I can´t hide

But I´ll try, I´ll try to face the pain

Though I´m missing you

(Although I´m missing you)

I´ll find a way to get through
(I'll find a way to get through)
Living without you
'Cause you were my sister, my
strength, and my pride
Only God may know why,
still I will get by

Oh, there were so many things

That we could have shared (uh-huh)

If time was on our side

(Time was on our side)

Ooh, yeah

Now that you´re gone, I can still feel you near

So I´ll smile with every tear I cry

Though I´m missing you

(Although I´m missing you)

I´ll find a way to get through
(I'll find a way to get through)
Living without you
'Cause you were my sister, my
strength, and my pride
Only God may know why,
still I will get by

How sweet, we're the closest of friends

But I´ll wait for the day,

When I´ll see you again

See you again.

Though I´m missing you

(Although I´m missing you)

I´ll find a way to get through
(I'll find a way to get through)
Living without you
'Cause you were my sister, my
strength, and my pride
Only God may know why,
still I will get by

I´m missing you

Depression's Trigger Period

2010-02-06T21:32:00.002+08:00

It is the time of the year again. A period full of sadness and grief for me. Ar round this time will be the anniversary of my beloved grandparent passed away. Miss them so much. When I start taking my Prozac, everything was fine until this time of year, where depression strikes again, which make the Prozac is not effective anymore.

Now, since I'm in my highest dosage of Prozac and feel much better, I need to be careful with my feelings and emotions as I really don't want to go thought the painful journey all over again.

Seeking

2010-02-02T01:36:00.002+08:00

Last few weeks was the first time in years since I can feel what does happy feels like. I was really pleasant. Before this, the happiness that i feel is just what my brain are telling me. For example, in certain situation when i should feel happy, i just know it is a happy situation because that what the signal that my brain send to me. But honestly, i didn't feel it in my heart.

Until last few weeks, out of no way, the happy feeling appear for a day. At that moment, i can understand what other people feel when they are happy. Now i understand why people who is happy see the world so differently, full of hope and colourful. Nowi understand why people seeking and searching for happiness. Happiness is really addictive feeling.

Since that wonderful day, i haven't had that feeling again. I really miss it. Until today, i'm still seeking for the trigger that cause me to feel happy that day. I really want to feel happy. It was so beautiful feeling.

Dreams

2010-01-24T01:28:00.004+08:00

I always think that people with dreams are foolish. I never gets it. Why there is such desire to have something that is almost not posible to achieve? Some people want to become a celebrity, some want to be rich and etc.

When i saw Oprah asking people what are their wildest dream, i couldn't think of one. I never had one. Maybe due to my depression, which make me see world is hopeless and dreams are bogus.

Lately, since my mental illness is getting better, all my perspective to this world and life change totally. Now i understand why people have hobbies, why people people likes shoppping, why people have dreams and ambitions. All these thing may cause a really pleasant feeling, which is happy and joy. It is really great to feel this feeling. These are the feeling people still live their life although their life is too painful and sucks. Now i can understand a bit what does a normal people thinks about. (sounds like i'm an alien from outer space)

Never ending battle

2010-01-22T01:44:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was really great for me. For the first time in years, i feel joyful, happy and loving myself. Everything seems bright and hopeful to me. I was glad that I can feel what other normal people are feeling.

But then, today everything become dark and hopeless. Yesterday was full with positive thought, but today everything brcome negative.

I guess I'm not out of this emotional roller coaster in the depression theme park. I hope someday i will find the exit and went out proudly without looking back.

Shopaholic

2010-01-17T18:36:00.003+08:00

Shopaholic. A word that were never used to discribe me. Azizi is a cheap person. I never find shopping as interesting and pleassuring as people always said it was. But for the last month, i bought many expensive stuffs, which i never thought i will it in a million years.

First, i bought myself the latest edition of electronic dictionary which cost me RM1.5k. Next i bought a 500gb external harddisc for RM300. Then an 8gb ipod touch for RM800. And yesterday i bought a modem + wireless router for about RM200.

OMG!!! I had spend almost RM3k a month! Which is twice a month of my last salary. Now, there is an erge for me to buy a notebook! HELP ME!!

Are we ready?

2010-01-14T10:40:00.002+08:00

I had a psychiatry appointment last Monday. As I sat there, waiting for my turn, as I look around, people who is also waiting for their turn seems so normal and mentally healthy. But inside their brain, there is some problems.

As our technology and knowledge evolved, their are so many products in the market that can prevent us from getting cancer or diabetes or hypertension. But is there any product that can prevent us from mental illness?

All of these technology and expensive lifestyle, are we ready for it? Yes, it is good to have a advance technology, but are we prepare to face it, mentally? Depression is a common thing now days. Suicide rate also increasing. Is these some sign that saying that we are moving too fast and we didn't really prepare ourself to move forward? Last few decades, you can have 10 children although you're poor. But now, one child will cost a lot of money.

Ups and Downs

2010-01-09T23:31:00.003+08:00

Although my mental illness is getting better and better, but there is some moments where it does appear again. I really hate when depression start to show some symptoms again. It's like, I have to adapt with it all over again. At some point, I was very optimistic and positive about life, while some other point, life seems so hopeless and dark. Really tired with this emotional roller coaster. I really just for the ride to stop. Enough is enough. I can't take it anymore. I'm too tired, mentally.

Goodbye

2009-12-31T22:22:00.003+08:00

Goodbye to 2009 and welcome 2010. Although I haven't manage to achieve what should I achieve in 2009, I have to say goodbye to 2009.

Another Depression?

2009-12-20T16:34:00.003+08:00

Last few days was really confusing for me. It feels like my best friend, depression, about to pay a visit. The symptoms appearing, gradually. Yesterday I had a terrible mood swing which I haven't had since last few months.

As everything started to go wrong, this morning I had to attend one of my close friend from my school's wedding. Don't know about at your place, at mine, people like to ask "when is your turn?". I HATE THAT QUESTION! So guys, my answer is for now I don't want to get married and hopefully it will stay that way forever. But if God have another plan for me, I accept it. So, that's it. That's my answer. Any further questions, just ask my lawyer, which is my A**.

Ending + Accomplishment?

2009-12-19T13:27:00.002+08:00

Almost end of December, which mean end of 2009. A year pass by, without any accomplishment that have been done by me. More that one year on Prozac, still having depression. 25 years old, still a student and jobless. So, one year go by without anything from me. Just the number increasing and face become older (not wiser).

Research Progress

2009-12-15T19:33:00.003+08:00

It have been a while I haven't write on my research progress. Everything going kinda smoothly and nicely, i guess. Actually this month suppose to be my 'time-out' that i requested from my supervisor. But then, a paper need to be written before the due date, which is on Christmas. So, I have to write it as my supervisor is busy with her work. Plus, I'm really not that good in English writing. Just read my blog. My English is TERRIBLE!!

We decided to send few papers to conferences next year. Hopefully it will get accepted by the conferences committee. As for my masters research, erm... All I can say it, my mental illness really get to me lately. I suppose to finish up my research by end of this month, but then, depression happen. But that's OK. I need to take things slow (i guess).

Sad & Guilt

2009-12-10T21:33:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was the day where my friends/ students received their result. This is their 2nd year. Unfortunately, few of them unable to continue their study. They was my students when they're doing their diploma. Now they're doing their bachelor degree, the same place where I'm doing my masters degree. I was wondering, is it my fault that they failed? Yup, maybe people will said that is their own choice, but then, I'm the one who should gave them a strong foundation.

I just realized that this unnecessary guilt and sadness is about to hit. It have been few days since I had this terrible headache, which I used to had everyday before Prozac. Is depression is coming? Feels like it.

P/S: If my students/friends are reading this post, DON'T GIVE UP!! just because you unsucceed at this part of your life, it doesn't means that you will fail at everything that you do in your life. People who have a good success in their early life, doesn't mean that they going to have a better life than people that doesn't. Remember God, pray to Him, He will help you.

Fatigue

2009-12-08T17:02:00.001+08:00

After few months of depression free, lately it seems about to hit again. One of the main reason is the fatigue feeling all over the body. The tiredness that never end. Mentally, physically and emotionally. No matter how many hours I sleep everyday, the fatigue is still there and never go away. I'm tired of feeling tired.

Life & Math

2009-12-04T12:43:00.002+08:00

I was thinking the other day, most people hate mathematics. Math is something that is hard to understand. They said no one use math everyday in their life. Actually we can relate math with life. For me, life have it own system of equations with finite numbers of variables.

Every variables depend on each other. One changes on the one tiny variables have a huge impact to the whole equation of life. We can try our best to solve the equations, with out own steps or method or algorithm, we will never get the perfect solution. They will be big or tiny error in the solution that we obtain, but only God knows the exact solution of our life. The right starting point or the initial value is important so we can avoid too many iteration. So does in life. Choosing the right choice may avoid us from doing many mistakes and redo everything that we have done wrong.

Yeah... Maybe I seems mumbling here, but maybe some of you understand what I saying. Nothing is perfect. The only perfection is God.

Happy by Leona Lewis

2009-12-03T10:58:00.001+08:00

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything

Don’t you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain
’cause love won’t set you free

I can’t stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just can’t let go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear

But all these days
They feel like they’re they’re same
Just different faces
Different place
Get me out of here

I can’t stand by the side
Ooh, no
And watch this life pass me by
Pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I’m just trying to be happy

Oh, happy
Oh

So when it turns that I can see???
This rope??
Victim??
Don’t say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just wanna be happy
Happy
I just wanna be
Oh
I just wanna be
Happy.

Bored

2009-11-30T20:18:00.002+08:00

2010 is coming, and 2009 will go and never return. That is life. Honestly, I'm getting bored with my life. Everything that I do is boring for me. My life, my study, my research and everything seems empty for me.

I think I still have a lot of breathe to take before I stop breathing, so what should I don't until that time comes? I have no motivation to live, don't know my purpose of living.

Maybe, it is because I never take any risk in my life. Maybe I should take some risk, rather than playing it safe. Maybe.

"Front of The Class"

2009-11-28T18:37:00.002+08:00

Last few weeks, when I was babysit for my niece, I accidentally saw a movie called "Front of The Class" and I was really amazed and inspired by that movie. It is one of the best movie ever (for me).

The movie tell a story about a kid, then a man, named Brad Cohen who had a "companion" since he was 6, which annoyed everyone around him, including his father. After a lot of struggled on he and his mother's part, they manage to diagnosed him with Tourette syndrome. After a lot of obstacles come to his way, with he and his mother unbelievable positive attitude, he manage to become successful in life.

At the time i saw this movie, I had a lot of questions about life. After seeing this movie, it does answer few of my questions. I'm really glad I saw this movie. Anyway, if there is chances for you to see this movie, don't miss it. It is not an "I love you" and "you loves me" kind of movie.

P/S: I was really surprised to know that this movie is based on real story... This guy have an incredible spirit.

Missing & Lost

2009-11-18T11:41:00.003+08:00

I really miss my depression. Maybe it sound a bit weird for missing a mental illness, but I do. I been living with depression for about 10 years, so it become my personality, me... Azizi the depressed guy.

Yesterday was a year since I met my new "friend", Prozac. Our relationship have it own ups and downs. More like emotional roller coaster. But then, now, without I realise it, it have been more than one month since my old "friend", depression, haven't come and pay me a visit. I really miss "him".

I always said that depression is a gift and a curse for me. Few people asked me how can depression can be a gift. In my case, it is. Don't know how to explain, but it is. Now, without depression, I'm lost. I don't know who I am anymore. What should I do? So many questions lingering in my mind, yet no answer till now. I'm still searching for it, hopefully will find it soon.

Happiness = ?

2009-10-29T10:27:00.002+08:00

Have you seen a movie by Will Smith called "Pursuit of Happiness"? Nice movie, sad but with a happy ending. I just wondering, what is happiness anyway? A lot of cash? Successful in career of choice? Married with kids? Being pretty and good looking? Does all these thing make you truly happy? What is it anyway?

Last few days, I have a class with my diploma students. I had a chit chat with them, asking them what are their plans for their life, what have they learned in that college that will be useful for them for their life. Most of them, I mean, all of them doesn't know what they want to do with their life. Same here. I have no idea. I'm bored with everything. The reason why I asked that kind of question in Math class, just that I want them to think. I'm still looking for the answer. It just a simple questions, but hard to answer.

I don't know about people outside Malaysia, but the culture here, parent like or love to teach their kid to be successful in life. "When you grow up, you will become a doctor, or a lawyer, or a businessman, or married to rich man or whatever". That was the line that the parent always tell their kids. From the kids still a baby until they grow up. Does those things make you happy? For a moment, yeah. But forever?

I just wondering, why parent doesn't tell their kids, "when you grow up, you will be a happy person, a useful person, with good heart, with a good life and knows the purpose of your life".

Presentation

2009-10-16T12:12:00.003+08:00

On this 20th, I will go to KL to attend a conference. Besides that, I will present my first paper for my masters research and it will be the first time I'm presenting a paper at a conference. OMG. I'm really nervous and anxious. What happen if I make some mistake while presenting?

Update

2009-10-14T11:51:00.003+08:00

I guess I haven't post anything in my blog for quite some times. So, this is my update:

Depression

Still there (actually, gone for few weeks, then I come back knocking on my door)
Should I ask my doctor about Xanax
escape counseling session for 2 times
Still feeling that I want to die, SOON

Master's Research

Still "hanging"
Stuck at fluid equation's implementation part
going for a conference next week ALONE ;(
presenting paper (scary)
Try to finish my master early next week

Life

Busy with my niece (help to babysit)
got 3 part time jobs

Not so many things in my lists... for now...

Thanks

2009-10-03T11:46:00.005+08:00

In my blog, there is a code that can detect how many people and where they come from that read my blog. I was really surprise that there is quite a number who read my blog. Some from UK, US and many more. Some of them found my blog by searching in search engines.

I can't believe that my writing really help people to understand more on mental illness and anti-depression. I feel really glad that I can share my thought to other people that going the same thing that I'm going though.

To those people, you are most welcome to email me or comment on my blog. I'm not an expert or whatever, but we are going though so rough time and it is better to share it with other people. Thanks for visiting my blog. :)

Happy Eid

2009-09-24T17:25:00.003+08:00

I know it already 5th day of Eid, but I want to wish all of Muslims out there, Happy Eid Mubarak! Actually, I'm not really into celebrating "Raya" (what we call Eid's celebration in Malaysia). I don't know why, but "Raya" really get into my nerve. During "Raya", people will pay a visit to their relatives or friend's houses. Meanwhile, when people visit my house, I like to stay in my room. I will stay there until I feel like I want to come out from my room. Yeah, maybe to people I'm rude and didn't respect them, but I really don't like "Raya". Sometimes I make me mad and pissed of just thinking about it. I don't know why, but I just do. It got nothing to do with Islam's festive, maybe it just me and my nonsense point of view.

Yesterday, I decided that maybe it's time for me to try alternative ways to overcome this mental illness of mine. My family suggested that maybe I can try more spiritual ways. I guess so. I would like to try. After almost 1 year on Prozac, I still have depression. Yes, I have to admit in some point, my mental health is getting better, but it still not normal. I'm just tired of all this thing that I'm dealing with. I hate that when people are happy celebrating Eid, I keep thinking about suicide. Maybe it's time to try other things. Maybe.

P/S: today is 5th of Syawal. So technically, in Islamic calender, today is my birthday. So, Happy birthday to me! yeay!! (I guess)

"Gifts" From Depression

2009-09-11T21:19:00.003+08:00

Since I have depression, I notice that there are few "gifts" that come with the mental disorder. I need to mention that not all people experience the same thing that I have. The symptoms that I have are:

Obesity
Polydipsia (excessive thirst)
Polyuria (excessive urination)
Terrible headache (everyday)
Low testosterone level
Sleeping disorder
Anxiety disorder
Hypertension (high blood pressure)
Really bad memory
Cushing's syndrome like
and many more

And the list goes on and on. Since I start taking anti-depressant, some of these symptoms disappear and some of it slowly getting better. Hope everything will be normal soon.

Psycho or Endocrine?

2009-09-07T20:53:00.003+08:00

As usual, I had my Psychiatry appointment this morning. Today, I didn't see the doctor that I usually see. Today I'm saw a psychiatrist. This is the first time I consult with this doctor. This lady doctor is very kind and soft spoken. We talked for quite some time. Her first impression of me is I look like a person with endocrine or hormone problem. Cushing's syndrome, to be exact. So I told her that I used to consult with an endocrinologist and she already ruled out Cushing's syndrome, as my cortisol level is normal. She said my case is weird and unusual, and I said it IS.

Isn't it funny? After few years, after seeing so many doctors and specialists, they still puzzle about my illness. So, is it psychological or endocrine problem? I already accept the fact that I'm mentally ill, so please don't tell me it is not my mental, but my endocrine have a problem. I thought I'd done the first part, which is find the right diagnosis. I do feel better when I started taking Prozac. Not 100% though, but better than without medication. I guess deep down, maybe I don't want to get better. Maybe. I'm still puzzling about everything and everything is really messed up.

Me, Myself and I

2009-09-06T15:45:00.002+08:00

Lately, so many good things happen to me, but then, I still don't feel good. My emotion and mood is so messed up and by taking Prozac doesn't help much.

Last week, my sister give birth to my parent's first grandchild. I have been waiting for this moment for a long time. I love children especially babies. I'm glad to see my niece for the first time. I should feel excited and happy, but I don't feel anything. I'm on 60mg Prozac and I can't feel any emotion. How messed up is that?

The only thing that I feel is that I feel bad about myself. I keep doing many things to help other people, but not for me. People keep telling me that it's OK to spoilt our self, but why do I feel bad if I did something for myself? I really feel bad about myself. I never did anything to make me happy, truly happy. I want to, but I don't know what. People told me that I'm lucking because I'm doing my Masters degree, but then, I'm doing it just to filled up my time. I'm waiting for death to happen to me. I don't have any plan for myself. I hate myself.

Keep the Prozac Coming!

2009-08-26T12:05:00.004+08:00

Last Thursday, I had my Psychiatry appointment and a counseling session. At first, my appointment was schedule at 14/8/09. But since my head is so mess up, I asked to bring forward the appointment. This appointment was very tense for me. Everything in my head is getting more mess up. This is the first time since I'm taking Prozac that my depression's symptoms appear again.

After meeting with my doctor, she increased my Prozac dosage from 40mg to 60mg. And if it still doesn't work, they will change the medication. So, what's next? Zoloft? But I still prefer Prozac. During the appointment, I'd asked the doctor about psychogenic polydipsia and the possibility of me having it. She said maybe I have psychogenic polydipsia and on my next appointment, I need to ask my psychiatrist about it.

In my previous post, I did mention that I was seeing endocrinologist for my polyuria and polydipsia problem, which occur since year 1999, which is the same year I had depression. One of the doctor that I consult about this problem said that there are 2 possibilities that causing this problem; hormone or mental disorder. At that time, I refused to see a mental doctor or a psychiatrist. Let face it, no one want to admit that there are some problem with their mental. So I went to endocrinologist, instead of psychiatrist. We done several test including water deprivation test (but only half way). The preliminary result indicate that there are no problem with my hormones. When the doctor want to perform another water deprivation test, I stop seeing them.

Looking back, I start to see that maybe my depression causing me to have a compulsive drinking problem. Maybe. Since I start taking Prozac, my compulsion drinking problem was getting better and better each day. So I think, maybe it's psychogenic, rather that neurogenic or nephrogenic.

Last night I remembered one episode from the TV series "House". In that episode, House is consulting a patient who said that she have an Obsessive Compulsive disorder. Her symptom is excessive drinking and thirst. In the end, house said it is not an OCD but neurogenic diabetes insipidus. There are maybe a small tumor at her pituitary gland. So, thinking back about it, my situation is totally the reverse version of that girl's situation. How funny is that? She thought she's mentally ill, but instead she have a tumor. I thought I have a tumor, instead I'm mentally ill.

PoV: Prozac vs Xanax

2009-08-11T10:50:00.002+08:00

It's been a while I haven't post any on PoV (point of view). As a reminder, this is totally my opinion. I'm not a professional, I'm just a patient and also a Prozac taker.

Does anyone have heard about Xanax? If you're into Hollywood entertainment news, I'm sure you heard about it. There are few numbers of Hollywood celebrity are or were taking this medication. For example, Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson were suspected taking this medication before their tragic death. So, what is Xanax actually? Is it dangerous?

I'm not really sure about Xanax, but I know Xanax is a medication for relaxing and treat stress or anxiety attack. It only for a short term treatment. In other word, Xanax is a tranquilizer for anxiety or depression. A person who just take this medication will not feel stress or anxious or panic. From what I can see, Xanax is acting like a "pain killer" for the mood disorder disease. With Xanax, you will not feel any stress or anxious about anything.

That's make it different from Prozac. Prozac is a long term treatment. Some people thought that after taking Prozac, you will not feel depressed. This is FALSE. Actually Prozac will take about 2-5 weeks to enter your body system. You won't feel the effect straight away after you take the medication. Plus, some people always assume that you will feel happy after taking Prozac. If you take Xanax, that should be the case, but it is not if you're taking Prozac. Prozac just helping you brain to release more serotonin (a chemical in our brain that regulate feeling, metabolism, sleep, appetite and etc). So, in other words, it help you to feel not unhappy.

So, which one is better and effective? I say depend on that person. If he or she haven't reach to a stage that can be consider as mental illness, I say Xanax should be OK. But need to be careful or you can end up with Xanax addiction. If you already reach the stage that is called as mental illness, maybe Prozac (or other antidepressant) is the answer for you. I know it going to take a while before it shows any effect if we compare it to Xanax, but if we see the long term health and the better end result, Prozac is better. We need to be patient in battling this illness. Other people without this illness doesn't know what we going through every seconds. Don't just rely on the medication only, try to work on your outside problem. I'm still struggling on that part. Hope everything will be OK next time.

My Little Cute and Chubby "Prozac"

2009-08-04T15:02:00.004+08:00

Since I was a kid, I like to play with babies or toddlers. Playing with them really make me feel happy. Although the happiness is temporary, but better then never right? I really don't know why I like to play or see them playing make me feel happy. Maybe I miss those time, when everything is not that difficult, no problems and still innocent.

Lately, my mother and I will pick up my cousin's one and a half years old son on Sunday. Almost every week we pick him up and bring him to picnic or to the mall or just for lunch. Luckily the parent don't mind that we pick him up every Sunday.

Playing with him make me feel happy and make me feel worth living. At first, I didn't notice that he means a lot to me, until 2 weeks ago. My mother have rashes all over her body, and she decided not to pick the kid up that Sunday. I was really depressed that weekend. I not in the mood to do anything, and I feel like crying all the time. At that point, I started to realize that I'm getting to attach to him. For about 4 years, I really try to avoid getting close or attach to other people. I learned that it is hard for me to let go when it's time to let go. I learned it from a hard way.On the other hand, I really love spending my time with him. Before this, I never look forward on something, but now, I can't wait for Sunday to come.

Plus my sister will give birth to my first niece/nephew end of this month. So I really look forward to spending time with my first niece/nephew. I know this "Prozac" is temporary, but it make me feel better than last time. It seems like how hard I try to pull away from depression, the depression pull me harder. Put all this depression thingy aside, I really love this kid. It really bring me joy and happiness, and this time, I don't have to pretend it.

As Usual, Another Psychiatrist Appointment

2009-07-28T11:56:00.002+08:00

So, yesterday I had another appointment at the Psychiatry Clinic. As usual, I will meet with the doctor and a counselor (for counseling session). But yesterday, the counselor was on leave (surprisingly, I was really really disappointed). So, I had only doctor's consultation.

Everything was normal in the waiting area, until this one young lady came in. At first, this young lady look normal. Then, went she took a seat, she suddenly screaming loudly and angrily in the clinic. The father try to come her down, but she kept on scream for no reason. I didn't realize the language that she used at first, after a while, then I realize that she was screaming in Iban language. I was really scared. It seems like she wanted to attack other people. But luckily her father was there. Then the psychiatrist saw her first (since everyone was scared). This is the first time I was something like this at the clinic.

Then, it is my turn to see the doctor. This time, I saw a different doctor, since the doctor that I normally saw was on leave (also). So, this is a woman doctor. She was nice and polite. One thing that she said that keep playing in my head is that at first side, she see me as a "happy-go-lucky" type of person. It is hard to believe that I have depression. It is true. Many people don't know and hard to believe that I have this kind of mental illness because I act so happy and normally. In fact, I been suffering from this illness since year 1999. Am I a fake? Am I a pretender? Maybe. I don't even have the answer for that.

Up To The Mountain - Kelly Clarkson / Patty Griffin

2009-07-24T15:44:00.004+08:00

I went up to the mountain
Because you asked me to
Up over the clouds
To where the sky was blue
I could see all around me
Everywhere
I could see all around me
Everywhere

Sometimes I feel like
I've never been nothing but tired
And I'll be walking
Till the day I expire
Sometimes I lay down
No more can I do
But then I go on again
Because you ask me to

Some days I look down
Afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines
I see nothing at all
Then I hear your sweet voice, oh
Oh, come and then go, come and then go
Telling me softly
You love me so

The peaceful valley
Just over the mountain
The peaceful valley
Few come to know
I may never get there
Ever in this lifetime
But sooner or later
It's there I will go
Sooner or later
It's there I will go

No Update (yet many things happen)

2009-07-15T13:31:00.003+08:00

Wow... lately was a "roller coaster" ride, emotionally. I don't know why. Is it because the increased dose of Prozac? I don't think so. It happen before it was increased.

So many things I learned this pass few weeks. I learned that I need to let go in order for me to move on. I learned that I don't want to let it go. I learned that I was distracting myself from my problems by keeping myself busy with other people problems so that I wouldn't feel depressed. And I learned that it is not working. These was a few of it.

All this thought make me think, sooner or later, everyone will face their death, whether they like it or not. So, why not now? Is it make any different if we die now or 20 years from now? I know it is not my place to say about this, but I was just thinking. I'm still looking for a reason to live. I m still looking for the purpose of life. I'm still searching for the motivation to live. I know Allah will answer my questions, but I don't know when. I think I know the answers of my questions, but I'm still not sure about it.

It's Official, I'm Getting Old

2009-07-04T20:17:00.003+08:00

So, today, 4th of July 2009 I turn 25 years old. Wow... I never thought I'll live this long. I remember when I was a kid. I keep praying that I will die when I reach 21 or 22 years old. Am I excited about turning 25 years old? I don't know. Every birthday that I had, I always had a mix feeling about it. I'm happy that some people care enough about me and wished me happy birthday. It make me feel appreciated by other people. At the same time, I hate the fact that I still alive and still no improvement mentally.

I don't know whether this year will be better for me. I don't know whether I still be here next year. I really don't know what going happen to me this year. But I'll try my best in everything. I hope next year, I wouldn't have to take Prozac anymore. And I know I need to work for it.

Another Counseling and Psychiatrist Appointment

2009-06-29T21:42:00.002+08:00

I had my appointment at psychiatry clinic this morning. I thought I'm going to meet the doctor only, but actually I was called by the counselor before I met the doctor. In this session, I try my best to tell him what's wrong with me. It was really hard. I'm not used to share my feeling with other people, especially strangers. I was really hard as I tried so hard to keep my tears from falling. I was really hard as I really hate when I recall everything that wrong with my life. I hate crying about it. After the session end, I tried to be as normal as I can as I walked out the counseling room.

Then, it is time to meet the doctor. She then double up the dosage of Prozac from 20mg to 40 mg. I was really scared of that. I scared that after I increase the dosage of Prozac, the bad side-effect will take place again. I really don't know what to think anymore. I'm sick of everything. I hate that I have this stupid disorder. I really need strength to go through what I'm going through right now. Allah will always be with me. InsyaAllah

Still Depressed

2009-06-17T11:25:00.002+08:00

My next psychiatrist appointment is at the end of this month. I'm still feeling depressed and sad for no reason. I'm tired all the time. I'm really sick of this. I'm trying my best to keep my mood up and my positive thought, but even though I'm laughing and smiling, I still feel the pain inside my heart. I really hate the pain. Do I need more Prozac? I hope not. Do I need counseling? I don't know whether it helping or not. This weekend I'll go for 3 days holiday in KL. My family is really excited about it, while I feel like crying and screaming.

Why

2009-06-11T14:46:00.002+08:00

Most of the time I wondering why does I feel this way. Why is there so many sad and depressed feeling inside of me. What is horrible enough in my life that make me feel this way all the time. There are many people out there who suffer a lot then me. There are so many children without parents, people without home, people without food and so on.

My life so much better that these people. I have a home, parents and foods to eat. So, why does I feel sad and depressed? I have no right to feel this way. I have no right to complaint. Seriously, I'm tired of feeling like this. Lately, Prozac is not working well for me. Sometimes I wish I never exist in this world.

My Counseling Session

2009-06-05T15:18:00.004+08:00

I had my counseling session this morning at the Psychiatry Clinic that I always go to. This is the first time I been to this session in that clinic, after my doctor asked me to attend the session. To be honest, I was really hesitated to go to the session. For few days, I keep thinking for an excuse for me to skip the session. Since I didn't come out with anything (obviously), I forced myself to go. Last night I had trouble sleeping because to anxious and nervous to go to the session.

Actually, this morning counseling session is the second session that I had in my life. I had one when I was 15 or 16. I was called by the school counselor, due to complains that he received from other teachers, saying to they feel something really troubling me. That was a useless session. I just spend about one hour in a small counseling room, crying in front of the counselor. I can't forced my self to tell him what happen to me. So, instead of a counseling session, it was a crying session. Guess what? Few years after the session, I'm still depressed.

That's one of the reason why I really don't want to go this morning counseling session. But it turns out, I'd like the session. The counselor was nice and understanding. He know what was he talking about. I guess I already met many people who have this illness before. Although I didn't manage to tell him what troubling me, I guess it was a good start. It take a lot of everything for me to go to the session. Will I go to another session? Maybe. Hopefully. I really want to get better. I really want be as normal as other people.

Another Psychiatrist Appoinment

2009-05-26T12:13:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I had my Psychiatrist Appointment. I really don't want to woke up that morning as my depressive mood is still there. I was really anxious going to the clinic. I didn't know what to say to him. This is the first time that I have this depressive episode since I'm taking Prozac. I really don't know why is that.

When I was called in to see the doctor, I was really hesitate to tell him there is something wrong with me. So, I just sucked it in, and tell him. Then, he suggest me to attend a counseling session next week, to determine whether he should increase my Prozac's dosage.

Wow, counseling session? I really hate counseling session. I had one when I was 15 or 16 years old. I was called to a counseling session by the school counselor, because most of my teachers notice there are something wrong with me. The session is useless. It didn't help anything. I just spent the whole hour crying in the room.

So, do I want another counseling session? No. But, do I need it? I guess so. It is the only choice that I have. No gain, No pain.

Prozac = Cure for Depression?

2009-05-20T11:27:00.002+08:00

I'd been on Prozac for about 6-7 months. But still, I feel tired of struggling with my mood. At first, I thought that Prozac is the cure to this stupid depression. I guess, I was wrong.

Don't get me wrong. Prozac does help me in so many ways. But in the same time, it also give me some confusion, such as my personality without depression. With Prozac, I manage to feel happy after 10 years of depression. With Prozac, sometimes I feel that I have purpose in life. But, why does at sometimes I feel depression? Shouldn't Prozac eliminate the feeling? Why does it don't kick in at times?

Maybe Elizabeth Wurtzel was right about Prozac only give us "space to breathe". Maybe it just suppose to give our mood a boost. But the rest, it is up to us. Seriously, I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of fighting this alone. I keep trying to tell myself it will be OK, but seriously, I'm tired.

My Graduation's Memories

2009-05-18T12:13:00.003+08:00

Graduation day is one of the most important day of people's life. A joyful and happy day for the person, their parents, their family and their friends. The day that full of hope and dreams. The only tears on that day are the tears of joy.

Luckily, I manage to graduated from my Bachelor degree on August 2007. But unfortunately, I have depression. I still remember a day before my graduation. That day was the convocation's rehearsal. The hall was packed with former students that will graduate that week. All were smiling and laughing as they were happy and excited about the convocation. But for me, it was sad and depressive day for me. I cried a lot that day. Can you imagine, on your happy occasion, you are crying a lot and feel depressive and constantly thinking about death? That was what I'm going through that day. Trying be best to fake a smile, but most of the time, I didn't succeed.

I really hope that I feel much better on the graduation day itself, but I guess I was wrong. I still feel extremely depressed and sad. At some point, I feel like I don't want to go through the graduation. But I try my best to go through it, for my parents. Other people were crying because they are happy, while I cried because I'm sad and depressed. After the ceremony, everyone was congratulate each other, hugging each other, receiving flowers and taking some picture. But as for me, I just want to go home, want to climb on my bed and cry. Why was I depressed? Why was I sad? I should be happy. Instead I keep thinking about death.

Can't imagine that this illness manage to take one of the important moment in my life away. It should be a happy occasion, instead it full of tears and death thought. That was the moment that I decided to tell my doctor that I'm sad and depressed. That was the good outcome from this experience. But then, I will never have the same memories that other people have during their graduation day.

Still Struggling

2009-05-13T11:40:00.003+08:00

Since few weeks ago, the depression symptoms seem to come back again. Yes, since i took Prozac I did occasionally feel sad and depressed, but this time, it was quite long. Without no reason, I feel pain in my heart and feel that I want to cry or scream. I try my best not to cry, try my best not to breakdown. I'm tired.

Since this depression come back, I haven't manage to concentrate with my work. I feel that I want to tell somebody, such as my sister or my mom or my close friend. But the word seem to vanished from my mouth. I really don't know what I'm sad about. I have a good life now. This is a good year for me. But why I feel this way.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I hate that I feel all of this. I keep telling myself this is a test from God, which keep me going on everyday. I hope the test will end soon. I need to be more patient. I'll make it. I'll make it.

Prozac Nation (The Movie Version)

2009-05-11T11:04:00.002+08:00

Last Saturday I managed to saw the movie version of Prozac Nation, starring Christina Ricci. What I can say is it is a decent movie but I prefer the book version. Obviously Elizabeth Wurtzel is a great author and she manage to explained her depression very well in the book. As for Christina Ricci's performance, it was great. She managed to explored the character very well. Maybe because she have mental illness herself.

The movie is about Elizabeth Wurtzel struggled coping with depression in her life. There are still a few unresolved issue between her and her family. Even though she is quite successful in her academic and professional life, she still depressed. It doesn't have anything to do with this disorder. In the end, her psychiatrist prescribed her some anti-depressant, which is working. But then, she have problem with the "new" her. She don't know this "new" person and it really bothering her.

I personally can relate with this movie. It shows how hard to live with this disorder as it can ruin your relationship with other people surround you. I really recommend this movie to others. I hope that this can help to increase the awareness on mental illness. Mental illness is not something that we choose, but it something that we are. To those who have depressive disorder, maybe you can relate with this movie, and to those who have a good mental health, maybe you can understand what we're going though and stop the stigma against mentally ill person.

I'm Tired

2009-05-09T11:42:00.002+08:00

Seriously, I'm tired and exhausted. I'm tired of my mood swing. I'm tired feeling sad or excited without any reason. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of struggling to keep my mood stabilize every seconds and I'm tired of failing to control it. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of having uncontrollable nonsense anxiety. I'm tired of wishing to be normal and hoping to get better. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of life. I'm really tired.

PoV - What and Why

2009-05-06T10:51:00.002+08:00

Did you saw Oprah's show yesterday at 8pm on Hallmark Channel (channel 702)? If you didn't see it, it is about "normal" family who have a "dark" secret. There is one person in particular that I want to talk about. Can't remember the name, but her dark secret is she have OCD for more that 15 years (if I'm not mistaken). Her OCD behavior is she really scared of germs. This fear become too extreme when she can't even touch her children and husband. If she touch them or other people, she will need to take a shower. Other than that, she spent her days by cleaning her house although it is already clean. Can you imagine living like that?

When Oprah asked her what is she scared of and why is she scared, she couldn't really answer the questions. I know how she feel. To be honest, we don't know the answer for that. The only answer that we can come out with seem like an excuse for other people.

Some people may asked the mentally ill people something like "what are you anxious of?" or "what are you afraid of?" or "why are you sad?". Actually, we don't know why we feel that way. Yes, there must be something that make us "tick", but it seem ridiculous to people who is not mentally ill. For example, people who have the fear of height, if you ask them why they scare of height, maybe they will say that they are afraid suddenly they fall down. Does it make sense to you? It does if you have the illness. Honestly, we don't know what and why we feel that way, but we just does. I don't know whether other people with mental illness feel the same way as I am, but that is totally my opinion.

Cartoon on Mental Illness

2009-05-02T15:08:00.005+08:00

I found this funny website with some funny cartoon on mental illness. Here are some of it:

Hope you enjoy it. Thanks to Chato B. Steward for letting me use your great cartoon.

People with Mental Illness

2009-04-28T12:39:00.002+08:00

Here are some list of people (famous) that have mental illness, other than me, of course:

Depression

Abraham Lincoln (US President)
Ernest Hemingway (Pulitzer-price winner)
Sylvia Plath (Poet and Novelist)
Michelangelo (Painter and Sculptor)
Charles Dickens (Writer)
Mozart (Composer)
Robert Oppenheimer (Physicist)
JK Rowling (Writer)
Anne Rice (Writer)
Mark Twain (Writer)
Buzz Aldrin (Astronaut)
Kurt Cobain (Singer)

Bipolar Disorder

Virginia Woolf (Novelist)
Ludwig van Beethoven (Composer)
Vincent Van Gogh (Painter)
Isaac Newton (Physicist)
Linda Hamilton (Actress)
Ludwig Boltzmann (Mathematician)
Georg Cantor (Mathematician)
Kay Jamison (Psychologist)
Emil Post (Mathematician)

Other Mental Illness

Charles Darwin (Naturalist)
John Nash (Mathematician)

And many more... Wow, there are a lot of mathematician in this list. I'm in the right field then. Haha

Stigma on Mental Illness

2009-04-27T11:34:00.001+08:00

Here is some acticles on stigma:

http://www.responseability.org/client_images/33762.pdf

http://www.ctclearinghouse.org/topics/customer-files/Stigma-and-Mental-Illness-061305.pdf

Hope you guys take the time to read these. It may help your friends or family members who is mentally ill. Enjoy!

4 Years - Al-Fatihah

2009-04-24T15:23:00.003+08:00

Erm... according to Islamic calendar, today will be exactly 4 years since she leave this world. I miss her so much. To all Muslim readers, I would really appreciate it if you kind enough to recite surah Al-Fatihah for my beloved grandma...

Grieving....

2009-04-22T11:11:00.004+08:00

"To Where You Are" - by Josh Groban

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory, so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

"One Sweet Day" - by Boyz II Men & Mariah Carey

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Darling I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Although the sun will never shine the same again
I'll always look to a brighter day
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say

Manic vs Depressive Episode

2009-04-21T12:08:00.002+08:00

For this few weeks, I'm starting to have anxiety attack and my mood swing is becoming more frequently. Maybe it have something to do with this coming Friday or maybe not. I haven't had any anxiety attack for a while and it is an unpleasant feeling. While, my mood swing is not as drastic as before, but it happen more frequently this days especially manic episode. I haven't been officially diagnose as bipolar disorder, but what I'm going through lately fit the symptoms of bipolar. So lately, I started to think, which episode that i prefer to have. each episodes have it own pros and cons, so here is the lists:

Manic
1. Pros

Happy
More outgoing and fun
High self-esteem
active

2. Cons

Extremely happy and excited
difficult to concentrate
Too energetic and active
everything is messy (thought, stuffs etc)
Do something without think about it first (I think I hurt someone feeling with this behavior)
Can't sleep

Depressive
1. Pros

More quiet and detail
I'm used to it
Think before do it

2. Cons

Low self-esteem
too depressed
suicide thought
fatigue and sleep a lot
bad mood all the time

Actually, the lists is quite long but I'm too lazy to type it all. So, which one do I prefer (since I need to get used to it)? I'm used to being depressed and sad since I have depression for about 10 years. But then, I feel happy when I in my manic episode. So, why can I feel both of this emotion in the right situation? I really want to normal as other people is.

PoV - Rituals and Routines

2009-04-16T11:08:00.004+08:00

First of all, this post, called PoV (stand for point of view), is just my own opinion on certain matters. I'm not a medical expert or a psychologist or whatever. It is just my opinion as a patient and person, i guess.

Have you seen people with mental illness (eg OCD) doing their rituals or routine? Usually some people with mental illness perform their rituals before the doing something. For example, they have to touch end of the door before they entering it, or they have to cough before they drink water. This behaviour is called as rituals and it is common among mental illness patient especially people who is suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD. Without doing the rituals, they cannot proceed with what they want to do.

Why does they do these rituals? Some of them doesn't make sense. I have few rituals myself, which I'll write it here. I didn't realized that I have this kind of rituals until one of my close friend saw I'm doing it. So, why does we do it? Usually people with this problem will tell that if they don't perform their rituals, something bad will happen. Yes, it doesn't make sense at all. But it make sense in our head. Weird huh?

From my opinion, most of OCD sufferers is kinda a control freak. Me, myself is the same. So many things in life is uncontrollable, eg: health or death. Due to this, they or we start to performing these nonsense rituals with the thought that if they did this, nothing bad or undesirable will happen to them or their love ones.

I don't know if there is any cure for this problem. Sometime these rituals can take a lot of the sufferers time and it is depressing most of the time.

Busy, but yet.......

2009-04-14T14:56:00.003+08:00

This week is a busy week for me; writing 2 abstracts and my research progress report. But yet, non of this things have been done. One of my abstract is 25% completed, another one haven't started yet, and my progress report is about 70% completed. My target is to finish it up this week, but then I wasting my time updating my blog. So typical of me.

For the last few days, I started to notice something wrong with my mood. It's seems like my anxiety attack is coming back. OMG. I really hate that feeling. It getting worst and worst everyday. What's triggering it? Nothing unusual things happen in the pass few days. And this time, I'm having some anxiety attack during climbing stair. I keep imagining I fall down the stairs and break my bones, and sometime I imagine that I die. Don't tell me I'm starting to develop another phobia. My collection of phobias is a lot already. What to do, What to do? I don't think Prozac and Lamotrigine is for anxiety. My psychiatrist appointment is still one and half month away...

untitled

2009-04-09T12:44:00.003+08:00

For two nights, I have problem to fall asleep, which lead me to think and reflect on a lot of stuff. Just realize that today I'm 24 years, 9 months and 5 days old. Never thought I reach this age at all. When I was kid, I always wanted to die before or on 21th years old. So, last two nights, I think back what have I done that I'm proud of and didn't proud of. So I came out this list:

Things that I'm proud of or that I'm happy with or accomplishment

still alive
took care of my late grandma for almost 6 years
earned my bachelor degree at the age of 22 yo
manage to get treatment after 10 years suffering from mental illness
currently enroll as a masters student

Things that I'm not proud of or happy about or whatever

still alive
lost my everything AKA my grandma almost 4 years ago
still mentally ill
still morbidly obese
hate everything about myself
didn't manage to be a medical doctor
few suicide attempt (yup, that's right)
still a social retard; Best friend : ZERO, close friend: a few
Still feel like want to die soon

Wow, writing the bad stuff is easier than writing the good stuff. Something wrong with me. (duhh!!!) So, what's next?

Prozac = Happy?

2009-04-07T15:04:00.002+08:00

Does Prozac make you feel happy? I'm wonder what is the answer for this question. From what I know, Prozac make you feel not sad. So, I don't think it make you feel happy or excited. But why does some people refer Prozac as a "happy pills" or a "chill pills"? In some hollywood movies, they made some reference to people who are cheerful and happy-go-lucky as a person who maybe currently taking Prozac. Does Prozac make you feel that way?

Yes, I did manage to feel happy after few weeks when I start taking Prozac. Is it Prozac that make me feel happy or it just help me to feel happy? So many question, yet I'm still looking for the answer. If it is true that Prozac make me feel happy, is it happy by force? What will happen if my doctor stop prescribe me my Prozac?

In the end, I'm wondering, is taking Prozac is a good thing or a bad decision. On the positive view, I did manage to feel what normal people feel when they say that they're happy. I never thought I would feel this feeling after 10 years of depression.

To Tell or Not To Tell

2009-04-02T11:45:00.002+08:00

As you may know, I had my appointment at psychiatry clinic last Monday. My doctor give me one assignment, tell my parent that I have clinical depression. Actually, I don't have any intention to tell this to my parent. How can you tell this kind of thing to your parent. "Hey Mom and Dad, I have mental illness, Yeaaa!" I don't think so. The doctor asked me whether I told my parent if I have fever, then I said yes. Then he asked me why I didn't tell my parent about this. Mental illness and fever is totally two different things. Later I agreed to tell my parent after the doctor convinced my to do so. It is important for the family to know about this illness in order to get better.

After a lot of hesitations, I manage to told my mother about this. She looked so worried and confused. Telling her is the easy part. How to tell my father? I don't have a good relationship with my father. We SELDOMLY talk to each other. I used to have that kind of relationship with my mother. But gradually we became quite close to each other.

Maybe many people will be wondering, how can you live under the same roof and then doesn't talk to each other. I don't know when does all of these start, but eventually we get used to it. My elder sister don't talk to both of my parent at all, both of my sister doesn't talk to each other, my father doesn't talk to all of my sibling and so on. That's the way it is.

The question is how to tell my parent about my mental illness. Trust me, telling people in person that you have mental illness not as easy as you typing it in your blog.

Oprah - the OCD episode

2009-03-31T21:32:00.002+08:00

Just now I saw The Oprah Show, the episode about how 2 doctors try to help people with OCD overcome their mental illness. To tell the truth, I literally cried when I was watching the episode as I know what these people going through.

Like what the doctors said, other people doesn't really understand what we have to go through in daily basis. It is a struggle and a battle for us. I hope many people did see the episode so that they know what mental illness all about and what the sufferers have to go through everyday.

M.I.A

2009-03-31T14:24:00.004+08:00

It have been a while I haven't update anything on my blog. A lot is happening to me since my research examination last few weeks. Days after the exam, my mom was hospitalized for dengue. She was hospitalized for a week. Few days after that, I'd attended International Symposium on Electrohydrodynamics 2009 (ISEHD '09) which was a lot of fun where I got to meet people who is famous in EHD field. This week I'm busy preparing for my tutorial class and writing report for my prelimanary result. Owh well... I got to do what I got to do, right?

p/s: I had another appointment at psychiatry clinic yesterday. I lost another 2 kg. Yippie!!!

Exam... DONE!

2009-03-13T22:36:00.002+08:00

I'm quite relieved tonight as I have done my 6 months research progress exam this afternoon. After few weeks formulating a electrostatics model, I have manage to do so plus some preliminary results. Really proud of my self. I haven't done any programming since I finish my bachelor degree (which was about 2 and half years ago), it took some times to recalled back all my programming knowledge and skills. In less than 10 hours, I manage to do a quite complicated program. I was like "wow... I'm really good". Haha..

As for my presentation, I think I did OK but I can do better. I was a bit messy and unorganized as I was a bit blur during the presentation. I want to say because I was nervous, but actually I didn't. I don't know why. Since I'm taking Prozac and Lamotrigine, I never had panic attack like I usually had before. I don't know whether it is because of the medications. Sometimes I feel like nervousness and anxiety is good for us. It will make us to work hard to make everything goes perfectly. Without these feeling, I didn't feel like I'm having an exam.

As for anything else, I feel I did a good job (my supervisor quite impressed with my work) and I will work harder in the future.

Busy, busy, busy!!!

2009-03-03T12:08:00.002+08:00

I haven't got time to update my blog for a while. I'm super busy lately with my research as in my exam is next. I enroll this Masters program as a conditional acceptance candidate. Which means after the first 6 month, I'm going to present my research to determine whether I qualify to continue my study. And another interesting fact is I'm the first conditional acceptance.

For the presentation, it is something like viva voce and I'm going to present in front of the whole faculty's members. So scary. Plus I haven't obtain any preliminary results yet... So, now I'm struggling to finish the first part of mathematical modeling so that I can simulate the result. Wish me luck.

Songs 'bout mentally ill people

2009-02-20T20:15:00.004+08:00

There are many song that can describe what are the feeling that people with mental illness feels. Here are some of it.

Unwell - Matchbox 20

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you cant tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow Ive lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you cant tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Ive been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you cant tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

Wonderful World - James Morrison

I've been down so low
people look at me and they know,
they can tell something is wrong
like I don't belong,
well, staring through a window
standing outside, they're just to happy to care tonight
wanna be like them but I'll mess it up again,

I tripped on my way in, got kick outside, everybody saw

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But i can't feel it right now,
I thought I was doing well but I just want to cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
but I can only see when you're here, here with me.

Sometimes I feel so full that it just comes spilling out,
it's uncomfortable to see I give it away so easily,
but if I had someone I would do anything and never never never
never let you feel alone
I won't, I won't leave u on your own,

who am I to dream, dreams are for fools, they always let you down.

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I cant feel it right now,
I thought i was doing well but I just want to cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
but I can only see when you're here, here with me.

And I wish that I could make it better,
I'd give anything for you to call me,
Maybe just a little letter
Oh it could start again

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I cant feel it right now,
I thought I was doing well but I just want to cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
but I can only see when you're here, here with me.

I know that its a wonderful world
but I cant feel it right now,
Iv got all the right clothes to wear i just wanna cry now,
I know that it's a wonderful world from the sky down 2 the sea,
But I can only see well when ur here, here with me.

And I know that it's a wonderful world
When your with me

If I Ever Love Again - Tatyana Ali (part of it)

How many times can I die?
How many times can I break inside?
How many times can I pray, oh, Lord, to take this pain away?
He was the song in my soul.
But now that song will never play.
Instead a silence now falls over me.
How many tears have I felt before I learned to forgive myself?
How many trials can I face before I start to lose my faith?
How many hearts have to mend before the poet rhymes again?

Is it Bipolar Disorder?

2009-02-18T17:41:00.003+08:00

Before I started to saw psychiatrist, I didn't my own reading on mood disorder and anxiety disorder just want to find out what am I dealing with. One of the mood disorder that I read was on Bipolar Disorder. Here some information that I gained from my reading:

Also known as Manic Depression and Bipolar Effective Disorder
people who have this will have a drastic mood swing; manic (high) episodes and depressive (low) episodes
Manic means abnormal elevated mood (AKA super duper happy) where they experience some elevated symptom such as become more talkative, hyperactive, distracbility, decreased need to sleep and so on.
Depressive is where the person will feel depressed and the will experience the depressive symptoms such as insomnia or hypersomnia, fatigue, feeling worthless and guilty, thought of death or suicide, and so on.
People with bipolar disorder will experience both episode after one another or together
There are many type of bipolar disorder such as bipolar I, II and cyclothymia.

After reading and studying the symptoms of bipolar, I was convinced that I don't have bipolar as I never had any manic or mania episode.

After my meeting with my doctor last monday, I start to reflected back my mood since I start taking Prozac. I'm not as depressed as I used to be (although there are some occasion sthat I feel deeply depressed) but my mood is always up and down, and it feels like a roller coaster ride as I'm struggle to maintain my mood.

When my mood is "up", I feel super duper happy and excited about everything and I feel energetic which lead me to become a hyperactive person (there is few occasions where I walk and walk, and climbing stairs, without any break and feeling exhausted or tired even though I'm sweating heavily), suddenly talkative and feel like I don't want to sleep. Is this what they called as manic episode? It does fit the manic symptoms.

I have another meeting at the psychiatrist clinic in 6 weeks. Until then, I will monitor my mood swing so it make it easier for the doctor to diagnose it.

Another Psychiatric Clinic's Appointment

2009-02-16T11:58:00.003+08:00

Today is will be the 14th week I'm on Prozac. Can't believe how fast the time goes by. So, this morning I had my appointment at Psychiatric Clinic at a public hospital. As usual, a long wait. Before seeing the Medical Officer (MO), I have to measure my weight. After 13 weeks taking antidepressant, I lost about 11.5kg. It was mix feeling about the weight drop. I'm happy to lost weight and a little bit disappointing that I don't lose more weight.

After almost 1 hour, it's my turn to see the MO. He asked me how am I. So, I said that I'm ok but there are still mood swing here and there. Plus, last few weeks, I had a terrible lows. I was crying a lot, feeling sad and depressed, hated myself and feeling guilty, and thinking about death and suicide. This going on for 4-5 days. While sometimes I feel very exited and happy, which lead me to become hyperactive and talkative. I also said that I didn't feel exited and happy before I started taking Prozac.

So the MO asked me to write a journey on what are my mood on each days so that he can see and monitor my mood swing. He said that I probably have Bipolar disorder AKA Manic-Depressive. OMG, not another mental illness. Hopefully I don't have it.

My next appointment is in 6 weeks. Really hope I don't have Bipolar. I don't want to add another mental illness in my "resume".

Diagnosing Mental Illness

2009-02-13T22:24:00.002+08:00

To diagnose a mental illness is a tricky business. If you seeing a psychiatrist or a general practitioner or whatever, make sure you tell them everything that you going through or what you're experiencing. Don't left out any detail. Each detail is crucial to diagnose this illness. It also goes for other illness. Make sure you tell every single things.

You may have to see dozen of doctors just to get the right diagnosis. It took me few doctors just to get the right diagnosis. Plus, do some homework yourself. Maybe you see something on the Internet that may help to diagnose the illness.

Getting the right diagnosis is just half of the battle. It may took few years until you find the answer. Don't give up. you will feel relieve as you get the diagnosis.